Thursday, December 03, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Jacob started crying yesterday afternoon. Not tantruming, not throwing a fit. Crying. Bawling, really. It was the saddest thing to witness. He was so frustrated that he couldn't make me understand what he was trying so hard to communicate, and he just broke down into discouraged, lonely tears.
My heart cracked apart a little so see this from my baby. He tries so hard, so hard, to talk to us and help us understand what his little head is thinking. I cant imagine the struggle it would be to never really speak to anyone and to have so much you want to express.
I wonder, if I couldn't write......read.....photograph.......let alone speak, how would I communicate? What else is there?
Jacob has very few outlets for connection to others. His detailed, miniature paper-doll characters, scotch tape costumes, drawings pinned to the wall, these are the only indications Jacob gives of what he thinks about, what he likes, and how much of the outside world is getting through to him.
Even though he wept big dripping tears that pulled my heartstrings, there is some relief in the situation. He still wants to talk to us, he is still trying, he is not so far into his own head that he doesn't still want personal relationships with us. And that is really great to be reassued of.
Monday, November 02, 2009
Hello, Mr. Crab
About a month ago I painted Jacob's bedroom in an "under the sea" theme. He loves Spongebob, mermaids, and seashells, so I decided to make it generic enough to fit all these interests and whatever new ones he develops.
I painted the sky the color of a lovely sunny, cloudless day and put a great big sun shining in one corner. The water is a nice mix of blue and green with seaweed and other sea plants growing up from the ocean floor. There is a family of fish, a friendly, smiling whale, a cute little crab, two groups of jellyfish, and a even menacing shark hiding behind the door and scaring off looters from the sunken treasure chest. A few boats float on the water's surface, and a lovely tropical island is off in the horizon.
Chris and the big kids gave me lots of compliments on the project, and everyone who has been over in the past few weeks has either loved it or kindly pretended to. I was so proud of my creation, all done freehand and my first attempt at large-scale art.
I intentionally made it look cartoon-ish, knowing that would be easier to design and paint, and more familiar to Jacob than a realistic under water scene. The fact that it eliminates the need for additional decor is a huge bonus, since nothing that exists in Jacob's room is safe from being destroyed and several items hung on his walls have been a total waste of money. In fact, the less there is in the bedroom the better it looks and this makes it much easier to keep the space clean and clutter free, while still being fun and creative.
Then comes the unexpected complication: Jacob is a little freaked out by the whole thing. I really did not anticipate that he would feel anything but pleasure at having his own little watery hangout where he could play with his imaginary ocean-dwelling friends. What I wasn't considering is how "real" he takes his playmates, Spongebob, Patrick, and Ariel to be. Consequently, he seems to think that the characters I lovingly painted on his walls are real, too.
I will be sitting with him on his bed when he'll quickly look up and towards the crab, as if to catch it moving. He does this over and over, and it kinda creeps me out and makes me think I am going to catch the drawings moving as well. Like the little pinchers will be slightly askew or he will have taken a sideways step. Jacob won't even look the shark in the eyes. The shark is a little mean looking, and that is why I put him behind the door. The fish don't seem to bug him at all, but then they aren't looking at you and have silly smiles.
The progress we had made in getting him to sleep in his own bedroom instead of right in the middle of Chris and I has regressed a bit. He's OK as long as someone is in there with him but, all alone with creatures watching him from every angle, it is entirely possible he sees the cartoons on his walls to be unblinking, menacing, mocking strangers.
I am definitely not ready to paint over my personal masterpiece, so my tactic thus far has been to "greet" the shark and crab every time I enter the room. I'll say "Hello, Mr. Crab. Hello, Mr. Shark" as I touch them and smile. I am hoping as Jacob sees me being all friendly with them, he'll realize they are not a threat and begin to accept them as new buddies. I'm crossing my fingers.
I painted the sky the color of a lovely sunny, cloudless day and put a great big sun shining in one corner. The water is a nice mix of blue and green with seaweed and other sea plants growing up from the ocean floor. There is a family of fish, a friendly, smiling whale, a cute little crab, two groups of jellyfish, and a even menacing shark hiding behind the door and scaring off looters from the sunken treasure chest. A few boats float on the water's surface, and a lovely tropical island is off in the horizon.
Chris and the big kids gave me lots of compliments on the project, and everyone who has been over in the past few weeks has either loved it or kindly pretended to. I was so proud of my creation, all done freehand and my first attempt at large-scale art.
I intentionally made it look cartoon-ish, knowing that would be easier to design and paint, and more familiar to Jacob than a realistic under water scene. The fact that it eliminates the need for additional decor is a huge bonus, since nothing that exists in Jacob's room is safe from being destroyed and several items hung on his walls have been a total waste of money. In fact, the less there is in the bedroom the better it looks and this makes it much easier to keep the space clean and clutter free, while still being fun and creative.
Then comes the unexpected complication: Jacob is a little freaked out by the whole thing. I really did not anticipate that he would feel anything but pleasure at having his own little watery hangout where he could play with his imaginary ocean-dwelling friends. What I wasn't considering is how "real" he takes his playmates, Spongebob, Patrick, and Ariel to be. Consequently, he seems to think that the characters I lovingly painted on his walls are real, too.
I will be sitting with him on his bed when he'll quickly look up and towards the crab, as if to catch it moving. He does this over and over, and it kinda creeps me out and makes me think I am going to catch the drawings moving as well. Like the little pinchers will be slightly askew or he will have taken a sideways step. Jacob won't even look the shark in the eyes. The shark is a little mean looking, and that is why I put him behind the door. The fish don't seem to bug him at all, but then they aren't looking at you and have silly smiles.
The progress we had made in getting him to sleep in his own bedroom instead of right in the middle of Chris and I has regressed a bit. He's OK as long as someone is in there with him but, all alone with creatures watching him from every angle, it is entirely possible he sees the cartoons on his walls to be unblinking, menacing, mocking strangers.
I am definitely not ready to paint over my personal masterpiece, so my tactic thus far has been to "greet" the shark and crab every time I enter the room. I'll say "Hello, Mr. Crab. Hello, Mr. Shark" as I touch them and smile. I am hoping as Jacob sees me being all friendly with them, he'll realize they are not a threat and begin to accept them as new buddies. I'm crossing my fingers.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Deadline
I have been a week without a computer at home. I have known for a long time that I depend on my Internet access for more that fifty percent of my communication. Emails and message board posts are more common to me than phone calls and face-to-face visits. I have become more dependant on text messaging recently, and the thought that I may be able to avoid phone conversations altogether is hugely appealing to me.
But here I am, 2 feet away from a stranger (which is something I am never comfortable with) and in clear view of anybody who wants to look over my shoulder, making an effort to update my family, friends, and other loyal followers as to the current situation of life in the Jones household.
The computer: broken. It has withstood so much in its short life- missing keys, loose and jiggly battery, liquid spills on the keyboard- but the weight of Jacob, all 155 pounds of him happily stomping on the keys and mouse pad, well, that did her in. It was a night of tears when I came home to see Jacob dancing on my valuable friends, my most reliable connection to the world outside my double-padlocked and every-possible-exit-alarmed fortress I call home.
I really shouldn't have been so surprised. So many of the things a normal family depends on every day for sanity, privacy, safety have been victims of my son. Our refrigerator, brand new and shiny clean when we moved into this house only 18 months ago, has had it's door slammed open and closed one too many times, and now we cannot shut it without it popping open of it's own accord seconds later. Every time I walk into the kitchen I have to re-shut it, praying that it hasn't been ajar long enough to ruin the food inside. The freezer is even worse. That door doesn't close at all, and we have to prop a chair against it all day long to keep the whole thing from defrosting over and over. This isn't fail proof- kids don't always remember to replace the heavy chair and our big dogs push it out of the way as they try to steal remnants from the garbage can so we have lost more food from this than I care to think about. Chris has replaced and repaired hinges and small parts so many times that they are no longer fixable.
Then there is my bedroom door. It seems Jacob cannot go in and out of my room without slamming it as hard as he possibly can, ripping the hinges out of the wall and even out of the door themselves. This is another endless project that Chris has to complete, and he does, often. The last event, roughly a month ago, caused the entire door frame to bust and despite buying the longest nails Chris could find at the hardware store hoping that this might hold the door into place for just a little longer, we now have no door to close up our bedroom and have the privacy that two tired parents really, really need. Replacing it would restore some sanity but since this has happened before and undoubtedly will happen again, it feels like a pointless exercise to go through the time, expense, and frustration repeatedly. So we live with no private time and deal with it.
There are so many little, less significant things that are systematically destroyed on a daily basis. Really, I have had to remove myself from caring about anything that I buy or am given, knowing that it's time in my possession may be quickly extinguished. No one could call me materialistic at this point in my life. Too bad I quite enjoy my trinkets and treasures, and mourn the times when a small item could make me smile.
Am I being dumb? My son is autistic and not emerging. Daily living with him is getting harder instead of easier, and the thought of sending him away looms over my head sneaks it's way into everyday. He has to be very unhealthy- no child at his size could be as fit. But how to remedy this? I have no idea but the fact is he just keep getting larger and stronger and now outweighs most everyone who has previously been able to care for him. This is scary to think about. How much longer can we go on like this? How do parents ever decide it is time to find alternative living situations for their children? How could I ever let anyone else put my baby to bed? He needs me to cuddle him and rub his back and tell him that I love him. I need this just as much as he does. Its our connection and the resolution to whatever kind of harrowing, tiring, destruction-filled day it that has preceded it.
I have fifteen minutes. My time online at the library is scheduled and limited to 60 minutes a day. I haven't even checked my email yet. I don't want to go up the hill back to my house and still feel disconnected from the world outside. My neighbor to the left of me, also approaching his one hour limit, seems to have some kind of cold or virus, and I'm debating if it is worth it to be here in such close proximity when I could potentially take home germs to the rest of my family.
I wish I had access to my photos. I'd love to show you all how great Jacob's room looks since I painted it with an under-the-sea theme. Or post all the back-to-school pics of my children to show you how much they are growing. But this will have to do for now.
Catch me if you can-
AJ
But here I am, 2 feet away from a stranger (which is something I am never comfortable with) and in clear view of anybody who wants to look over my shoulder, making an effort to update my family, friends, and other loyal followers as to the current situation of life in the Jones household.
The computer: broken. It has withstood so much in its short life- missing keys, loose and jiggly battery, liquid spills on the keyboard- but the weight of Jacob, all 155 pounds of him happily stomping on the keys and mouse pad, well, that did her in. It was a night of tears when I came home to see Jacob dancing on my valuable friends, my most reliable connection to the world outside my double-padlocked and every-possible-exit-alarmed fortress I call home.
I really shouldn't have been so surprised. So many of the things a normal family depends on every day for sanity, privacy, safety have been victims of my son. Our refrigerator, brand new and shiny clean when we moved into this house only 18 months ago, has had it's door slammed open and closed one too many times, and now we cannot shut it without it popping open of it's own accord seconds later. Every time I walk into the kitchen I have to re-shut it, praying that it hasn't been ajar long enough to ruin the food inside. The freezer is even worse. That door doesn't close at all, and we have to prop a chair against it all day long to keep the whole thing from defrosting over and over. This isn't fail proof- kids don't always remember to replace the heavy chair and our big dogs push it out of the way as they try to steal remnants from the garbage can so we have lost more food from this than I care to think about. Chris has replaced and repaired hinges and small parts so many times that they are no longer fixable.
Then there is my bedroom door. It seems Jacob cannot go in and out of my room without slamming it as hard as he possibly can, ripping the hinges out of the wall and even out of the door themselves. This is another endless project that Chris has to complete, and he does, often. The last event, roughly a month ago, caused the entire door frame to bust and despite buying the longest nails Chris could find at the hardware store hoping that this might hold the door into place for just a little longer, we now have no door to close up our bedroom and have the privacy that two tired parents really, really need. Replacing it would restore some sanity but since this has happened before and undoubtedly will happen again, it feels like a pointless exercise to go through the time, expense, and frustration repeatedly. So we live with no private time and deal with it.
There are so many little, less significant things that are systematically destroyed on a daily basis. Really, I have had to remove myself from caring about anything that I buy or am given, knowing that it's time in my possession may be quickly extinguished. No one could call me materialistic at this point in my life. Too bad I quite enjoy my trinkets and treasures, and mourn the times when a small item could make me smile.
Am I being dumb? My son is autistic and not emerging. Daily living with him is getting harder instead of easier, and the thought of sending him away looms over my head sneaks it's way into everyday. He has to be very unhealthy- no child at his size could be as fit. But how to remedy this? I have no idea but the fact is he just keep getting larger and stronger and now outweighs most everyone who has previously been able to care for him. This is scary to think about. How much longer can we go on like this? How do parents ever decide it is time to find alternative living situations for their children? How could I ever let anyone else put my baby to bed? He needs me to cuddle him and rub his back and tell him that I love him. I need this just as much as he does. Its our connection and the resolution to whatever kind of harrowing, tiring, destruction-filled day it that has preceded it.
I have fifteen minutes. My time online at the library is scheduled and limited to 60 minutes a day. I haven't even checked my email yet. I don't want to go up the hill back to my house and still feel disconnected from the world outside. My neighbor to the left of me, also approaching his one hour limit, seems to have some kind of cold or virus, and I'm debating if it is worth it to be here in such close proximity when I could potentially take home germs to the rest of my family.
I wish I had access to my photos. I'd love to show you all how great Jacob's room looks since I painted it with an under-the-sea theme. Or post all the back-to-school pics of my children to show you how much they are growing. But this will have to do for now.
Catch me if you can-
AJ
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Angel Baby
It has been a heartbreaking week.
My younger brother, Thomas and his wife, Adrienne had their first baby late last Saturday, September 5th. After 7 short days with the family who loves her, Cali Koryn left us to return to Heaven.
My niece, Cali was born with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS) and had to fight for life every moment she was here on earth. The days she spent at Primary Children's Hospital were filled with moments of hope and love. Her little body went through more in that short time than most humans ever have to experience.
Cali had perfect soft hair, a button nose, tiny hands and feet, and beautiful skin that hid the heart that failed her. She looked up her daddy with those misty dark eyes that newborns have and the love exchanged in that brief moment is irreplaceable. Myself and several other family members were able to hold her, touch her soft skin, and tell her we love her before she was gone.
Her parents have been an incredible example of faith and courage. They love their angel Cali so deeply, and it is obvious on their faces. I will never forget the strength and hope they shared through this difficult trial. Truly a lovely and amazing couple.
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers, especially Thomas and Adrienne as they try to figure out the next steps in life. Pray for peace and calmness as they navigate through the pain and grief. Thank you for the kindness and love shown to my family already. It has been a blessing and we have felt the prayers.
My younger brother, Thomas and his wife, Adrienne had their first baby late last Saturday, September 5th. After 7 short days with the family who loves her, Cali Koryn left us to return to Heaven.
My niece, Cali was born with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS) and had to fight for life every moment she was here on earth. The days she spent at Primary Children's Hospital were filled with moments of hope and love. Her little body went through more in that short time than most humans ever have to experience.
Cali had perfect soft hair, a button nose, tiny hands and feet, and beautiful skin that hid the heart that failed her. She looked up her daddy with those misty dark eyes that newborns have and the love exchanged in that brief moment is irreplaceable. Myself and several other family members were able to hold her, touch her soft skin, and tell her we love her before she was gone.
Her parents have been an incredible example of faith and courage. They love their angel Cali so deeply, and it is obvious on their faces. I will never forget the strength and hope they shared through this difficult trial. Truly a lovely and amazing couple.
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers, especially Thomas and Adrienne as they try to figure out the next steps in life. Pray for peace and calmness as they navigate through the pain and grief. Thank you for the kindness and love shown to my family already. It has been a blessing and we have felt the prayers.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
School Can't Come Soon Enough
Six days till school starts. I cannot wait. I am feeling like an indentured servant to the giant wrecking ball that is Jacob. We both really need a break from each other and both welcome the structure that school provides.
The awesome special ordered lock that is on our front door, the one we labored over choosing waited and waited for? Its broken. So instead of the convienence that it was providing by keeping Jacob securely inside and safe has now switched to the inconvienence of having no way to get out the front door because it is permanently locked from the inside. We can still open it from the outside, but it has gotten a little uncomfortable to yell to visitors from the window, "just open it! I can't open it from in here!" It seems like the logical solution would be to remove the lock and replace it with a regular doornob, but that makes life equally hard since we have to patrol it 24/7 and we may as well keep this difficulty instead of trading it for and equally annoying new one.
So. For the time being we must exit through the garage. After two weeks of trying to squeeze through the boxes and clutter that mysteriously collects there I spent the day organizing the garage so that there is a stumble-free path to and from the door. That was ok until a couple days ago when Jacob finally figured out how to work the garage door for himself. Even if we lock it with the (patheticly inadequate) child-proof feature he can escape whenever he wants to. I can hear it opening from anywhere in the house (is there ANY insulation??) and run to catch him before he is too far down the street. However, he's so fast, and I'm so not fast, that he has been several houses away knocking on doors and harrassing pets before I catch up.
Whew. Just thinking about it causes me to stress out and loose my breath.
I have respite workers scheduled to come everyday this week. It gives me somewhat of a break to tidy the house and run errands, but it also means one more person I'm concerned about when Jacob goes on the rampage. The lovely young ladies who help me out weigh less than my heavyweight son. He can sit on them and they really can't get up. I've see it happen several times and its not pretty.
The time they spend playing with him and following him around doing damage control is worth it. At least it is to me- they may tell a different story. At least they are getting paid for the abuse whereas I have to take it all day and then snuggle him to sleep which can be emotionally chaotic, switching from being on the defensive to cuddling him to his peaceful slumber where he recharges for another day of being the little dictator.
I've said it before and I'll say it again- It isn't all bad. Life can be rather humorous at the Jones house. You never know what to expect from day to day, and it never gets boring. The way Jacob runs to hug me yelling, "Ma!! Ma!!" whenever I walk in the door, even if I was just outside grabbing the mail, well, that never gets old. And when he kisses me up and down the arm, on both cheeks, and my chin he charms me into overlooking the negative stuff for a while.
He's mine, and I take the good with the bad. But September 9th is going to be AWESOME.
The awesome special ordered lock that is on our front door, the one we labored over choosing waited and waited for? Its broken. So instead of the convienence that it was providing by keeping Jacob securely inside and safe has now switched to the inconvienence of having no way to get out the front door because it is permanently locked from the inside. We can still open it from the outside, but it has gotten a little uncomfortable to yell to visitors from the window, "just open it! I can't open it from in here!" It seems like the logical solution would be to remove the lock and replace it with a regular doornob, but that makes life equally hard since we have to patrol it 24/7 and we may as well keep this difficulty instead of trading it for and equally annoying new one.
So. For the time being we must exit through the garage. After two weeks of trying to squeeze through the boxes and clutter that mysteriously collects there I spent the day organizing the garage so that there is a stumble-free path to and from the door. That was ok until a couple days ago when Jacob finally figured out how to work the garage door for himself. Even if we lock it with the (patheticly inadequate) child-proof feature he can escape whenever he wants to. I can hear it opening from anywhere in the house (is there ANY insulation??) and run to catch him before he is too far down the street. However, he's so fast, and I'm so not fast, that he has been several houses away knocking on doors and harrassing pets before I catch up.
Whew. Just thinking about it causes me to stress out and loose my breath.
I have respite workers scheduled to come everyday this week. It gives me somewhat of a break to tidy the house and run errands, but it also means one more person I'm concerned about when Jacob goes on the rampage. The lovely young ladies who help me out weigh less than my heavyweight son. He can sit on them and they really can't get up. I've see it happen several times and its not pretty.
The time they spend playing with him and following him around doing damage control is worth it. At least it is to me- they may tell a different story. At least they are getting paid for the abuse whereas I have to take it all day and then snuggle him to sleep which can be emotionally chaotic, switching from being on the defensive to cuddling him to his peaceful slumber where he recharges for another day of being the little dictator.
I've said it before and I'll say it again- It isn't all bad. Life can be rather humorous at the Jones house. You never know what to expect from day to day, and it never gets boring. The way Jacob runs to hug me yelling, "Ma!! Ma!!" whenever I walk in the door, even if I was just outside grabbing the mail, well, that never gets old. And when he kisses me up and down the arm, on both cheeks, and my chin he charms me into overlooking the negative stuff for a while.
He's mine, and I take the good with the bad. But September 9th is going to be AWESOME.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Safe In My Arms
After a day with lots of tears and emotional outbursts, I discovered what was bothering Jacob.
Poor kid has a painful loose tooth. I can only imagine how scary it is for him, not knowing that losing teeth is a normal thing, or remembering that this has happened to him before. And, unlike my other kids did, he doesn't even have the anticipation of a cash reward from the Tooth Fairy to get him through it. Its really sad to see him so stressed out and worried about what is going on in his mouth.
That is one of the things I find most troubling about life with my non-verbal little boy. He can't tell me what hurts, and if its not visibly obvious, it is east to attribute his behavior to medications or tiredness or changes in routine when all along his tummy/head/body in general is aching.
I can't count the times that he has seemed a little "off" all day, but not so much that I am worried, and all of the sudden he's puking everywhere. A little warning in times like that would be awesome.
This fear of his inability to communicate to me what is bothering him carries over to every part of his life. Like a few years back when I couldn't get him to go into the school for months and later realized (mommy intuition) that he was afraid of something/someone. What a difference it would have made if he had been able to tell me he was scared. I'll always feel terribly guilty for all the time I spent trying to force/bribe/trick him back to school before I was aware that my sweet little guy was literally shaking in fear.
I hate to know that this could continue for his whole life. Chances are that he will be taken advantage of in some way by caretakers, teachers, or peers. Its a horrible thought, but I have seen enough and heard enough stories to know its reality. People can be cruel. Here in my town a few years ago there was an aid in a local middle school arrested for molesting kids like Jacob, and I know he's not the only person to recognize an easy victim when he sees one.
How do I protect him? I trust his safety and education to so many people that, really, I know very little about no matter how innocent they seem. And with how difficult it is for me sometimes as his mother who loves and adores him to take care of his needs and deal with negative behavior, well, it frightens me to think of how someone who doesn't love him or care about his happiness like I do might treat him in a stressful situation.
I am learning more and more to trust my instincts to tell me when to welcome someone good or avoid someone with ill intentions. All I can do is pray for kindness and understanding from those who are involved in his life. Pray consistently for inspiration as to who I can trust to look after him and keep him safe.
Everyday when he returns to us, his family who will love him through everything, I look into his eyes and hope I still see that shining light that tells me he is doing OK, that all is still well in his world.
An no matter how big he gets I'll always have room for him on my lap and in my arms. Always.
Poor kid has a painful loose tooth. I can only imagine how scary it is for him, not knowing that losing teeth is a normal thing, or remembering that this has happened to him before. And, unlike my other kids did, he doesn't even have the anticipation of a cash reward from the Tooth Fairy to get him through it. Its really sad to see him so stressed out and worried about what is going on in his mouth.
That is one of the things I find most troubling about life with my non-verbal little boy. He can't tell me what hurts, and if its not visibly obvious, it is east to attribute his behavior to medications or tiredness or changes in routine when all along his tummy/head/body in general is aching.
I can't count the times that he has seemed a little "off" all day, but not so much that I am worried, and all of the sudden he's puking everywhere. A little warning in times like that would be awesome.
This fear of his inability to communicate to me what is bothering him carries over to every part of his life. Like a few years back when I couldn't get him to go into the school for months and later realized (mommy intuition) that he was afraid of something/someone. What a difference it would have made if he had been able to tell me he was scared. I'll always feel terribly guilty for all the time I spent trying to force/bribe/trick him back to school before I was aware that my sweet little guy was literally shaking in fear.
I hate to know that this could continue for his whole life. Chances are that he will be taken advantage of in some way by caretakers, teachers, or peers. Its a horrible thought, but I have seen enough and heard enough stories to know its reality. People can be cruel. Here in my town a few years ago there was an aid in a local middle school arrested for molesting kids like Jacob, and I know he's not the only person to recognize an easy victim when he sees one.
How do I protect him? I trust his safety and education to so many people that, really, I know very little about no matter how innocent they seem. And with how difficult it is for me sometimes as his mother who loves and adores him to take care of his needs and deal with negative behavior, well, it frightens me to think of how someone who doesn't love him or care about his happiness like I do might treat him in a stressful situation.
I am learning more and more to trust my instincts to tell me when to welcome someone good or avoid someone with ill intentions. All I can do is pray for kindness and understanding from those who are involved in his life. Pray consistently for inspiration as to who I can trust to look after him and keep him safe.
Everyday when he returns to us, his family who will love him through everything, I look into his eyes and hope I still see that shining light that tells me he is doing OK, that all is still well in his world.
An no matter how big he gets I'll always have room for him on my lap and in my arms. Always.
Saturday, August 01, 2009
All We Need Is Love
Jacob and I were picking up his toys this evening, when out of the blue he kicked me hard in the ribs. I immediately walked away and had a little cry in the bathroom. First because it hurt, second because times like that are the worst for a parent. When we are lovingly giving of ourselves to play with and teach our child and- WHAM!- a completely unexpected attack. It feels so personal to me when I think we are getting along and enjoying being together and he obviously thinks otherwise, hence, a kick in the gut or a punch in the chest.
Jacob's personality changes like a switch going off. He's riding a pendulum, swinging from two opposites- the calm, creative, loving and silly kid we all adore, and the mean, aggressive, unforgiving, tireless tyrant he is the other half of the time. There is very little middle ground. So having Jacob pleasantly picking up blocks one second and lashing out the next is a regular thing.
My child, only 8 years old and acts so much younger, scares me. I am still heavier and taller an he is, but for how long? Madison and he are the same height, but he outweighs her by 60lbs. She, as you can imagine, can be quite terrified of him. She has taken to wailing out in fear when he is coming towards her, no matter if he just wants a high-five or a hug. Its no way to live, being fearful and on constant guard from attack.
My emotions swing right along that same pendulum. The fear and helplessness of being responsible for this child who can challenge adults with his monstrous body, who has hurt me, intentionally or not, many times. I worry when walking down the stairs next to him that he will push me. I tense up when he is coming towards me, not knowing if it is for a hug or to push me over. I can honestly say that Jacob intimidates me.
The on the other side of the emotional wheel is where I'm balancing, trying not to slide too much towards seeing the glass half empty. Keeping my chin up. Looking on the bright side. Being resilient. It can be really tough some days, trying to keep everything in perspective and positive. I'm not great at it, but I try. I try.
Why? Because I see happiness shining in his eyes and kiss that chubby face and feel such affection and love towards my son. I know this path we are on together may only get harder, and is definetely the rockiest path I've ever been down. All that keeps me going is love. It is what I fall back on everytime the road gets too rocky- Chris and the kindness and tenderness he shows me, Tyler and the way he hugs me tight and tells me I'm great, Madison's creative, teasing way of making it know that she loves me, and Jacob bringing me flowers from the yard or kissing me up and down my arms.
My saving grace in the hardest times is the love I have for my family and the love my God shows to me. It carries me.
Jacob's personality changes like a switch going off. He's riding a pendulum, swinging from two opposites- the calm, creative, loving and silly kid we all adore, and the mean, aggressive, unforgiving, tireless tyrant he is the other half of the time. There is very little middle ground. So having Jacob pleasantly picking up blocks one second and lashing out the next is a regular thing.
My child, only 8 years old and acts so much younger, scares me. I am still heavier and taller an he is, but for how long? Madison and he are the same height, but he outweighs her by 60lbs. She, as you can imagine, can be quite terrified of him. She has taken to wailing out in fear when he is coming towards her, no matter if he just wants a high-five or a hug. Its no way to live, being fearful and on constant guard from attack.
My emotions swing right along that same pendulum. The fear and helplessness of being responsible for this child who can challenge adults with his monstrous body, who has hurt me, intentionally or not, many times. I worry when walking down the stairs next to him that he will push me. I tense up when he is coming towards me, not knowing if it is for a hug or to push me over. I can honestly say that Jacob intimidates me.
The on the other side of the emotional wheel is where I'm balancing, trying not to slide too much towards seeing the glass half empty. Keeping my chin up. Looking on the bright side. Being resilient. It can be really tough some days, trying to keep everything in perspective and positive. I'm not great at it, but I try. I try.
Why? Because I see happiness shining in his eyes and kiss that chubby face and feel such affection and love towards my son. I know this path we are on together may only get harder, and is definetely the rockiest path I've ever been down. All that keeps me going is love. It is what I fall back on everytime the road gets too rocky- Chris and the kindness and tenderness he shows me, Tyler and the way he hugs me tight and tells me I'm great, Madison's creative, teasing way of making it know that she loves me, and Jacob bringing me flowers from the yard or kissing me up and down my arms.
My saving grace in the hardest times is the love I have for my family and the love my God shows to me. It carries me.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
My super cool and funny friend, Kristie, has this list of tricks she uses to get her kids to help her clean the house. It is such a great list with truly brilliant ideas that I just have to share it here. I know that a lot of my friends and family could benefit from these tips as I have.
The Lucky Jar - The kids just started new charts today. If the kids accomplish all of their jobs for a given day they get to pick something out of the Lucky Jar. But only on Fridays. If they do every job every day they get to pick out of the lucky jar five times. The lucky jar has slips of paper that give them special snacks, special time with mom or dad, stay up late minutes or 'skip a job' passes for the coming week. The kids can hardly wait.
Bomb in the Kitchen – Set the oven timer for x amount of minutes. Work hard to get the kitchen cleaned and out of the room before the bomb goes off... otherwise you need to make a dramatic death scene on the kitchen floor. Make sure to add more time than you think. The best part of this game is standing at the edge of the clean kitchen and thinking of things you need to ‘run in’ and do without dying.
Train Cleaning – This is J’s favorite and mine too. I am the engine. The kids line up behind me. I point to something on the floor and the one right behind me gets out of line to put it away and then hops to the back of the line again. I try to go so fast that I don’t have any ‘cars’ behind me. We choo-choo through the house looking for whatever needs to be put away.
Set the timer’ Cleaning – This is when all of us clean together and it usually involves a few rooms... like our family room, entry and kitchen which are all connected. We set the timer for 20 minutes and work until the buzzer goes off. If I see the kids distracted or not working I add a minute. The kids love knowing exactly when they will be done with the job.
Sticky note choices – when the kids come home from school, (or on Saturday mornings) the kitchen island is covered in sticky notes. One job is on each... some easy, some hard. Starting with the youngest they pick their jobs, one at a time. My kids love this one because they are different every day depending on what I need done. I always try to add fun and silly ones, like “tell your mom she’s great” because of course I always need words of affirmation, or “play outside with M” which actually is a big help to me but they think they are lucking out.
Countdown Cleaning – “Kids, I need everyone to pick up 10 things in the ____ room.” Once done they come give me a high five. Then I tell them to pick up 9 things. Then 8... then 7... etc. They start giggling when they are down to the end and they have to keep running to give me five between every one.
Movie Pause Cleaning – Put on a movie for the kids... who doesn’t love this already? Explain that whenever you push pause on the movie they have to quickly put 10 things away and then run and jump back on the couch so the movie can start again.
Erase a Job – Have a list of jobs ready for each kid. Tell them that if they clean the first thing good enough that it passes ‘mom inspection’ then they can cross off the last job on the list... and so on.
5 things away before Snack – J is notorious for asking for snacks 10 times a day. Each time she asks I say “Put away five things and then you can have a snack.”
These are just a few- but it really does help to make them more excited to clean- heck, it makes me more excited to clean!
Thanks, Kristie!!
The Lucky Jar - The kids just started new charts today. If the kids accomplish all of their jobs for a given day they get to pick something out of the Lucky Jar. But only on Fridays. If they do every job every day they get to pick out of the lucky jar five times. The lucky jar has slips of paper that give them special snacks, special time with mom or dad, stay up late minutes or 'skip a job' passes for the coming week. The kids can hardly wait.
Bomb in the Kitchen – Set the oven timer for x amount of minutes. Work hard to get the kitchen cleaned and out of the room before the bomb goes off... otherwise you need to make a dramatic death scene on the kitchen floor. Make sure to add more time than you think. The best part of this game is standing at the edge of the clean kitchen and thinking of things you need to ‘run in’ and do without dying.
Train Cleaning – This is J’s favorite and mine too. I am the engine. The kids line up behind me. I point to something on the floor and the one right behind me gets out of line to put it away and then hops to the back of the line again. I try to go so fast that I don’t have any ‘cars’ behind me. We choo-choo through the house looking for whatever needs to be put away.
Set the timer’ Cleaning – This is when all of us clean together and it usually involves a few rooms... like our family room, entry and kitchen which are all connected. We set the timer for 20 minutes and work until the buzzer goes off. If I see the kids distracted or not working I add a minute. The kids love knowing exactly when they will be done with the job.
Sticky note choices – when the kids come home from school, (or on Saturday mornings) the kitchen island is covered in sticky notes. One job is on each... some easy, some hard. Starting with the youngest they pick their jobs, one at a time. My kids love this one because they are different every day depending on what I need done. I always try to add fun and silly ones, like “tell your mom she’s great” because of course I always need words of affirmation, or “play outside with M” which actually is a big help to me but they think they are lucking out.
Countdown Cleaning – “Kids, I need everyone to pick up 10 things in the ____ room.” Once done they come give me a high five. Then I tell them to pick up 9 things. Then 8... then 7... etc. They start giggling when they are down to the end and they have to keep running to give me five between every one.
Movie Pause Cleaning – Put on a movie for the kids... who doesn’t love this already? Explain that whenever you push pause on the movie they have to quickly put 10 things away and then run and jump back on the couch so the movie can start again.
Erase a Job – Have a list of jobs ready for each kid. Tell them that if they clean the first thing good enough that it passes ‘mom inspection’ then they can cross off the last job on the list... and so on.
5 things away before Snack – J is notorious for asking for snacks 10 times a day. Each time she asks I say “Put away five things and then you can have a snack.”
These are just a few- but it really does help to make them more excited to clean- heck, it makes me more excited to clean!
Thanks, Kristie!!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
I said goodbye to Tyler and Madison last night. They are gone to Utah for the next two months. Madison happily, Tyler not so much.
My mom and dad live there, and offered to entertain (and train in the ways of respecting their parents) my two big kids. Tyler is feeling like it is a punishment. His life revolves around his friends right now, and a summer so far away feels like torture to him. We had many, many drawn out, dramatic discussion about it where he deemed me "the strictest mom ever" and I decided he whines too much for a 12 year old.
Madison is eager to be a Mother's Helper to my cousin and her sweet little girls, and she is sure she'll be able to convince me to let her bring home a bunny at the end of the summer. (A friend of mine in Utah has a Rabbitry (I'm pretty sure that is a real word although spell check is telling me otherwise).) (Do I need two parenthesis here?? I cannot figure out how to punctuate that sentence.) There's little to no possibility of a bunny, cute and fluffy as they may be, coming back home with her, however, which I have told her every. single. time. she has asked, but, stubborn little thing that she is, she is holding out for a change of heart.
I hope and pray they realize and come to appreciate how lucky they are to have this opportunity to get to know family better and to have boatloads of fun in the process. They get to have a summer full of swimming, hiking, music lessons, and cousins. I'll bet they come back with killer tans and lots of adventurous stories to tell. I'd totally go myself if that were an option.
But, alas, I get to stay here in Oregon, which really isn't so bad but would be ten times better if I had some cash to finance a few adventures of my own. Instead it will be Jacob and I hanging out here at home, day after endless day, getting really tired of each other. I will have some reprieve in the the form of respite care, which I am currently interviewing candidates for and stressing over. The help is great, but it still doesn't give me any cash to go out and have some fun, so you can look forward to lots and lots of pictures, since photography is basically a free pastime in this digital age.
As for the respite stuff- I put an ad on Craigslist a few days ago and have had so many applicants that I am having difficulty keeping them straight. Last time I advertised for this I didn't get more than two interested parties. It's a sure sign of the times and the poor economy when everybody and their dog applies for a not-so-high paying job with a ton of responsibility and lots of mess like this one. But, oh, to have options for hiring makes me very pleased and grateful.
I have an interview tomorrow at my local police department for the job of Domestic Violence Advocate. I actually went in this morning thinking it was interview day and felt like a big dummy when they told me I was 24 hours early for the appointment. I hope they forgot what I was wearing because I had specifically planned my wardrobe and I'll be arriving in the same getup for the actual interview, which they said could last over and hour so I'm having visions of polygraph tests and interrogation. Do they do that to job candidates? I hope not cause I live with a permanent guilt complex and I'd surely fail them both just because of that.
Here's something exciting- after months and months of proposals and negotiations we have finally been approved for funding to install a big, colorful play structure in the backyard for Jacob. This State-run program Jacob is a part of is a maze of red tape, but the result is going to be awesome. Expect a lot of photos of Jacob sliding, Jacob swinging, Jacob climbing, and probably all will be blurry.
I'm sporting a few new, large, dark bite marks on my arms. Jacob is very aware that biting me is naughty and it hurts, but is also aware that it gets a big reaction like me squealing or crying or yelping. If I could remain calm when this happens the amount of occurrences might decrease, but, dang it, it really hurts and I can't help it. He hasn't bitten anyone else to the extent that he has bitten me, thank goodness. I'm kinda paranoid about showing up to my interview looking like I'm a victim myself which, really, I am. Knowing myself well, I'll find a way to bring it up within the first few minutes and hopefully dispel any weirdness and doubts that may come from talking with bruised woman (me) looking to be hired to prevent this kind of stuff.
Chris and I are thrilled to be starting church in a brand spankin' new chapel this coming Sunday. It is a beautiful, large new building and is only 3 minutes away from our home. I'm anxious to be the first person to open a new hymn book and hear it crack, and to smell the newness of everything. I can't wait to see the color scheme they chose, and I'm crossing my fingers that the folding chairs in the classrooms are padded. Funny how much I am looking forward to this.
My goal this summer is to get to bed earlier than 3 am every night, and since it is now after 11pm, I'm going to take some melatonin and try my darnedest to fall asleep before midnight. I doubt it is going to happen- my hard wiring can't be changed that quickly- but here I go to give it my best shot. Goodnight, friends.
My mom and dad live there, and offered to entertain (and train in the ways of respecting their parents) my two big kids. Tyler is feeling like it is a punishment. His life revolves around his friends right now, and a summer so far away feels like torture to him. We had many, many drawn out, dramatic discussion about it where he deemed me "the strictest mom ever" and I decided he whines too much for a 12 year old.
Madison is eager to be a Mother's Helper to my cousin and her sweet little girls, and she is sure she'll be able to convince me to let her bring home a bunny at the end of the summer. (A friend of mine in Utah has a Rabbitry (I'm pretty sure that is a real word although spell check is telling me otherwise).) (Do I need two parenthesis here?? I cannot figure out how to punctuate that sentence.) There's little to no possibility of a bunny, cute and fluffy as they may be, coming back home with her, however, which I have told her every. single. time. she has asked, but, stubborn little thing that she is, she is holding out for a change of heart.
I hope and pray they realize and come to appreciate how lucky they are to have this opportunity to get to know family better and to have boatloads of fun in the process. They get to have a summer full of swimming, hiking, music lessons, and cousins. I'll bet they come back with killer tans and lots of adventurous stories to tell. I'd totally go myself if that were an option.
But, alas, I get to stay here in Oregon, which really isn't so bad but would be ten times better if I had some cash to finance a few adventures of my own. Instead it will be Jacob and I hanging out here at home, day after endless day, getting really tired of each other. I will have some reprieve in the the form of respite care, which I am currently interviewing candidates for and stressing over. The help is great, but it still doesn't give me any cash to go out and have some fun, so you can look forward to lots and lots of pictures, since photography is basically a free pastime in this digital age.
As for the respite stuff- I put an ad on Craigslist a few days ago and have had so many applicants that I am having difficulty keeping them straight. Last time I advertised for this I didn't get more than two interested parties. It's a sure sign of the times and the poor economy when everybody and their dog applies for a not-so-high paying job with a ton of responsibility and lots of mess like this one. But, oh, to have options for hiring makes me very pleased and grateful.
I have an interview tomorrow at my local police department for the job of Domestic Violence Advocate. I actually went in this morning thinking it was interview day and felt like a big dummy when they told me I was 24 hours early for the appointment. I hope they forgot what I was wearing because I had specifically planned my wardrobe and I'll be arriving in the same getup for the actual interview, which they said could last over and hour so I'm having visions of polygraph tests and interrogation. Do they do that to job candidates? I hope not cause I live with a permanent guilt complex and I'd surely fail them both just because of that.
Here's something exciting- after months and months of proposals and negotiations we have finally been approved for funding to install a big, colorful play structure in the backyard for Jacob. This State-run program Jacob is a part of is a maze of red tape, but the result is going to be awesome. Expect a lot of photos of Jacob sliding, Jacob swinging, Jacob climbing, and probably all will be blurry.
I'm sporting a few new, large, dark bite marks on my arms. Jacob is very aware that biting me is naughty and it hurts, but is also aware that it gets a big reaction like me squealing or crying or yelping. If I could remain calm when this happens the amount of occurrences might decrease, but, dang it, it really hurts and I can't help it. He hasn't bitten anyone else to the extent that he has bitten me, thank goodness. I'm kinda paranoid about showing up to my interview looking like I'm a victim myself which, really, I am. Knowing myself well, I'll find a way to bring it up within the first few minutes and hopefully dispel any weirdness and doubts that may come from talking with bruised woman (me) looking to be hired to prevent this kind of stuff.
Chris and I are thrilled to be starting church in a brand spankin' new chapel this coming Sunday. It is a beautiful, large new building and is only 3 minutes away from our home. I'm anxious to be the first person to open a new hymn book and hear it crack, and to smell the newness of everything. I can't wait to see the color scheme they chose, and I'm crossing my fingers that the folding chairs in the classrooms are padded. Funny how much I am looking forward to this.
My goal this summer is to get to bed earlier than 3 am every night, and since it is now after 11pm, I'm going to take some melatonin and try my darnedest to fall asleep before midnight. I doubt it is going to happen- my hard wiring can't be changed that quickly- but here I go to give it my best shot. Goodnight, friends.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Miss Me??
I know, I know. Its been too long with no word of how things are going in the Jones household. Honestly, lately, blogging has seemed like a mountain I have no energy to climb. I think about it every day and feel guilty for having temporarily lost the desire to express myself through writing and I have, more than once, written "BLOG!!" in huge letters down my forearm to encourage action just to shower it away, and have started more than a few new posts just to save them as halfway completed drafts. Its kinda feeling like a four letter word, blog.
But life keeps happening anyway, even Internet-worthy things, and so for my first attempt at blogging in over a month I am going to give a simple update on Jacob, and make promise not to leave you hanging for so long again.
Here ya go:
Jacob said "hi mom." Twice. His first two-word combo! And to think its been 8+ years coming. The whole family was in the car together and we were all there to witness this milestone. Very cool.
Yesterday he carried my laptop, and the printer (which is rather large and has several parts) down the stairs to the kitchen, plugged them both in and connected them together and then called for me ("Ma!! Ma!!") to come print him pics of Scooby Doo ("Doo"). I have been doing Google image searches with him, just sitting together looking at the pictures on the monitor, and he loves it. After looking through ten or so pages of thumbnail sized pictures, we'll print one off for him to keep. Its cute that he thinks the proper place to do this is at the kitchen table since that happens to be where we have been each time but I'm having nightmares of my computer slipping out of his arms and crashing down the stairs to its death.
Today he opened a box of brownie mix and dumped it in a baking dish and put it in the oven. No liquid or eggs, just the dry, powdery mix. Then he kept flipping on the oven light, checking to see if it was "cooked." Madison made them when he wasn't paying attention- we don't need more of an excuse for brownies- but now I'm realizing that wasn't such a good idea since it may lead to him thinking he really can use the oven to make a treat whenever he feels like it. Oops.
He has been pooping in the backyard. He'll go outside to play, then come in a little later with no diaper/undies on and take my hand to lead me outside to proudly show me his poo. As if two dogs doing their business on my lawn wasn't enough. *eyeroll*
Instead of taking off his shirts the regular way, he has been cutting them off himself- right down the front center. So far we have had to toss out 7 sliced Ts.
Jacob will take an object and pretend it is a salt shaker, shake it over whomever looks the most appetizing (most often myself or Tyler) and pretend to eat the victim corn-on-the-cob style. He thinks this is hilarious, and we all got a good laugh out of it for a few days, now it is just irritating to have him pulling on my arm and slobbering all over it. Cute, but annoying.
See how fun life is at my house? How we have reason to laugh, sometimes cry, every day? And this is just with regard to Jacob- blogging about my teenager, Tyler, would be more about anxiety and emotional upheaval (mine) and how I thought life with young kids was hard but I'm seeing that this experience of raising teenagers may be a bigger challenge. Thankfully, for now, Madison isn't giving me any reason to stress out or worry and I am most definitely counting my lucky stars for that small miracle.
So I hope this update has accomplished two goals-catching everyone up on Jacob's newest successes and breaking the cycle of blog neglect that has been so hard to escape.
I'll be back soon, so don't stop coming back to check up on me.
Love to everyone-
~AJ
But life keeps happening anyway, even Internet-worthy things, and so for my first attempt at blogging in over a month I am going to give a simple update on Jacob, and make promise not to leave you hanging for so long again.
Here ya go:
Jacob said "hi mom." Twice. His first two-word combo! And to think its been 8+ years coming. The whole family was in the car together and we were all there to witness this milestone. Very cool.
Yesterday he carried my laptop, and the printer (which is rather large and has several parts) down the stairs to the kitchen, plugged them both in and connected them together and then called for me ("Ma!! Ma!!") to come print him pics of Scooby Doo ("Doo"). I have been doing Google image searches with him, just sitting together looking at the pictures on the monitor, and he loves it. After looking through ten or so pages of thumbnail sized pictures, we'll print one off for him to keep. Its cute that he thinks the proper place to do this is at the kitchen table since that happens to be where we have been each time but I'm having nightmares of my computer slipping out of his arms and crashing down the stairs to its death.
Today he opened a box of brownie mix and dumped it in a baking dish and put it in the oven. No liquid or eggs, just the dry, powdery mix. Then he kept flipping on the oven light, checking to see if it was "cooked." Madison made them when he wasn't paying attention- we don't need more of an excuse for brownies- but now I'm realizing that wasn't such a good idea since it may lead to him thinking he really can use the oven to make a treat whenever he feels like it. Oops.
He has been pooping in the backyard. He'll go outside to play, then come in a little later with no diaper/undies on and take my hand to lead me outside to proudly show me his poo. As if two dogs doing their business on my lawn wasn't enough. *eyeroll*
Instead of taking off his shirts the regular way, he has been cutting them off himself- right down the front center. So far we have had to toss out 7 sliced Ts.
Jacob will take an object and pretend it is a salt shaker, shake it over whomever looks the most appetizing (most often myself or Tyler) and pretend to eat the victim corn-on-the-cob style. He thinks this is hilarious, and we all got a good laugh out of it for a few days, now it is just irritating to have him pulling on my arm and slobbering all over it. Cute, but annoying.
See how fun life is at my house? How we have reason to laugh, sometimes cry, every day? And this is just with regard to Jacob- blogging about my teenager, Tyler, would be more about anxiety and emotional upheaval (mine) and how I thought life with young kids was hard but I'm seeing that this experience of raising teenagers may be a bigger challenge. Thankfully, for now, Madison isn't giving me any reason to stress out or worry and I am most definitely counting my lucky stars for that small miracle.
So I hope this update has accomplished two goals-catching everyone up on Jacob's newest successes and breaking the cycle of blog neglect that has been so hard to escape.
I'll be back soon, so don't stop coming back to check up on me.
Love to everyone-
~AJ
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Goodbye, Sister
(Jill, Reina, and Carynn)I said goodbye to my sister and her family yesterday. My brother in law just graduated medical school and is off to his first real job as Dr. Wetzel.They are moing to Colorado in a few days. We have lived an hour from each other all these years, and now I'm feeling like we didn't have enough time.
I'm going to miss my sister's smile and her kind and loving ways, and her kids, my two nieces and nephew, are going to grow and change so much before I see them again.
(Baby Carynn and me)
Farewell, Wetzels! I miss you already!
Country Roads
My friend and I went for a long country drive last weekend. I stopped to take a few pictures.
It was so nice to drive around this beautiful valley and chat with an old friend.
It was so nice to drive around this beautiful valley and chat with an old friend.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Black and Blue
Spring is in the air. It is starting to get warm enough outside to leave the jacket at home (Oregon is a bit behind as far as Spring temperatures go). This is one of my favorite times of year. I love seeing my yard come to life with flowers and the trees becoming green again. My hometown is known as "Cherry City" and to see all of the cherry trees blossoming is a beautiful sight.
This year the warm weather is presenting a new challenge for me. With jackets leftoff, and my arms in short sleeved t-shirts, I am drawing attention, and not in a good way. I have bruises all over my arms- several small, finger sized, and some larger, painful, eye-catching marks, the worst of which is new- a dark, round, obvious bite mark near my wrist. Jacob's mouth isn't the size of a toddler's anymore, so the wounds don't look like they were put there by a child with baby teeth who's bite would be more acceptable.
Jacob's strength continues to increase, and being scratched and bruised is a common malady for both Chris and I. As we sit together at night and discuss the day, rarely a conversation passes without mention of how hard it is to feel as if we are living as battered parents.
When a person looks at my arms they either pretend they didn't notice the obvious, make comments to the people with them I that can't hear, or look in my eyes with question and pity. I haven't decided yet if I'd rather have these strangers know I am a victim of abuse by my child or let their imaginations run wild. Maybe it shouldn't matter to me what anyone else thinks when the see my battle scars, but it is ugly and embarrassing anyway, and it matters more than I'd like it to.
I have been going through my closet everyday as I get dressed, looking for tops that are comfortable in the warm air, but still have long sleeves. I feel like a woman must when she decides to wear sunglasses to cover her black eye. Is it shame?
There are so many questions right now as to how we are going to change the dictator-like control that Jacob has over our home. We have interviewed and hired a new caregiver, a young woman who has two autistic brothers and several years of experience working with lower-functioning kids. My hopes are up that she will have some helpful ideas and can help us make nessasary changes. Sometimes a fresh pair of eyes makes all the difference.
A was able to spend a few hours taking pictures last week. It is one of my personal therapies, to look at the world and its beauty and forget for a while how hard things can be.
Catch me if you can........
Friday, March 27, 2009
This Stinks.
As if my (justified) paranoia about Jacob smacking unsuspecting visitors as they walk through the front door wasn't bad enough- now the smell of urine saturated carpet is sure to assault them upon first sniff.
Obsessing about having a fresh-smelling home, and single-handedly keeping my local drugstore's room spray department in business, I try to disguise the unpleasantness with the not-much-more-appealing aroma of "floral bouquet" or "Hawaiian Breeze" but I am suspicious that those scents are just as overwhelming and offensive to guests.
CIIS, the State-run program that Jacob is a part of, has agreed with Chris and I that we need a floor that is easy to clean and sanitize and they are going to help us replace 75% of the carpets in our home with laminate.
We have had hardwood floors in two previous homes, and I always said I would never go back to that. I hated having sore feet at the end of every day-carpet is so much more comfortable to walk on. But back then Jacob was content to keep his diapers on and didn't show any interest in playing in his own waste. At this point, the trade off is definetly worth it.
It may take months to happen-lots of red tape to cut through. In the meantime I am giddy with dreams of how much less work I'll have when it comes to housekeeping. Sure, we have two big dogs therefore I'll be sweeping tracked-in dirt and pet hair from every room at least twice a day, but the additional stress that constantly cleaning my carpets has added to my plate will be eliminated. I'm so excited I can hardly stand it.
Oh, what we sacrifice for safety and care of special needs kids. Doors that once easily opened and closed are now rigged with double-sided deadbolts- no one is coming or going without a key. knives and other sharp objects live in the dresser drawers under my pajamas. Food is constantly hidden and rehidden as Jacob dicovers it, and the fridge is padlocked closed.
Nothing is easy, thats for dang sure.
Obsessing about having a fresh-smelling home, and single-handedly keeping my local drugstore's room spray department in business, I try to disguise the unpleasantness with the not-much-more-appealing aroma of "floral bouquet" or "Hawaiian Breeze" but I am suspicious that those scents are just as overwhelming and offensive to guests.
CIIS, the State-run program that Jacob is a part of, has agreed with Chris and I that we need a floor that is easy to clean and sanitize and they are going to help us replace 75% of the carpets in our home with laminate.
We have had hardwood floors in two previous homes, and I always said I would never go back to that. I hated having sore feet at the end of every day-carpet is so much more comfortable to walk on. But back then Jacob was content to keep his diapers on and didn't show any interest in playing in his own waste. At this point, the trade off is definetly worth it.
It may take months to happen-lots of red tape to cut through. In the meantime I am giddy with dreams of how much less work I'll have when it comes to housekeeping. Sure, we have two big dogs therefore I'll be sweeping tracked-in dirt and pet hair from every room at least twice a day, but the additional stress that constantly cleaning my carpets has added to my plate will be eliminated. I'm so excited I can hardly stand it.
Oh, what we sacrifice for safety and care of special needs kids. Doors that once easily opened and closed are now rigged with double-sided deadbolts- no one is coming or going without a key. knives and other sharp objects live in the dresser drawers under my pajamas. Food is constantly hidden and rehidden as Jacob dicovers it, and the fridge is padlocked closed.
Nothing is easy, thats for dang sure.
Sometimes at the end of the day what I need is good long cry. Tonight could be classified as one of those nights. But as I sit here at my kitchen table, the house quiet as all the people I love the most sleep soundly in their beds, I don't want to cry. I want to forget for a moment how much of a struggle just getting through the day can be, and think about what I have been blessed with, before I lay down to sleep.
When so many people are struggling to stay above water, praying to hold onto a job or praying to find one, my husband supports us with a stable job. I have a home in no threat of foreclosure, where I can be comfortable and warm, in a neighborhood where I feel safe. There are no gunshots ringing in the streets, no threat of floods or hurricanes, and for this I am reverently grateful.
So many mothers worry everyday about the health and well being of their children. Medical concerns and health insurance and hunger- these things can devastate a family. I have never had to face this type of crisis. My children have strong bodies, enough food, and doctors are just a phone call away. With the conditions of the world, the widespread poverty and wars, I know I am in the fortunate minority.
I never, ever have to be alone. If it isn't one of my children hugging me and letting me know I am needed and appreciated, then it is my husband. There is always someone to laugh with me, to sing out loud to favorite songs, to share my tears. I don't think there has been a single day in 13 years where I have not heard or said, "I love you."
I am a blessed woman. I never want to forget that.
When so many people are struggling to stay above water, praying to hold onto a job or praying to find one, my husband supports us with a stable job. I have a home in no threat of foreclosure, where I can be comfortable and warm, in a neighborhood where I feel safe. There are no gunshots ringing in the streets, no threat of floods or hurricanes, and for this I am reverently grateful.
So many mothers worry everyday about the health and well being of their children. Medical concerns and health insurance and hunger- these things can devastate a family. I have never had to face this type of crisis. My children have strong bodies, enough food, and doctors are just a phone call away. With the conditions of the world, the widespread poverty and wars, I know I am in the fortunate minority.
I never, ever have to be alone. If it isn't one of my children hugging me and letting me know I am needed and appreciated, then it is my husband. There is always someone to laugh with me, to sing out loud to favorite songs, to share my tears. I don't think there has been a single day in 13 years where I have not heard or said, "I love you."
I am a blessed woman. I never want to forget that.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Worth It
I do this because I have to. It is not a trial I would have chosen. Too much heartache and too many unknowns.
There are blessings, absolutely. Without this trial I'd be a lesser person. The attributes that make me a good mother to this individuals special needs are qualities I have of because of Jacob.
I was doing a pretty good job of parenting my typical kids before autism came. They have always been happy and active and smart. But nothing ever required the extent of care that is now a necessity and, daily fact of life and I don't know what parenting style I would have grown into otherwise. I don't think that version of me would have been as tough as this one.
I was watching Oprah this afternoon while folding laundry. She was featuring and family who adopted a severely neglected little girl. When the young girl, Dani, was removed form her home she was six years old and had been confined for who knows how long to a small, filthy room with only an old, ripped mattress.
She weighed less than 30 pounds, couldn't walk normally, was wearing diapers, drinking what little she was actually fed from a bottle, and not speaking. The adoptive family wanted to care for a child, and when they saw her there was an immediate connection.
They have taken her into their lives, love her, care for her, work hours upon hours to help her, and are seeing progress in her development. Slow progress, but infinitely more than she would have gotten had she continued under the roof of her shamefully neglectful biological mother.
I watched the videos of her daily life and saw so many similarities to what goes on at my house. She reminded me quite a lot of Jacob. I assume Dani's new parents are dealing with more physical impairment issues than am, and I deal with more aggression and attacks. But, in general, the degree of delay in speech and the unusual behaviors looked the same.
I started off at the beginning of the program thinking "I do that all day. Where's my pat on the back? I didn't have a choice in the matter."
Selfish, I know. As soon as I thought it I felt ashamed of myself. So I closed my eyes and said a prayer for myself. Specifically to feel kindness and empathy, and not the desire for acknowledgement and credit.
I have a Father in heaven, as we all do, who loves me and wants me to be the best I can be, and he lovingly granted me new feelings about the situation almost immediately. My thoughts turned to the generosity and selflessness and open hearts of this family who made a choice to raise a child with such severe disabilities and an unknown future.
They saw her at her lowest, they welcomed the challenge, and they wanted her. That is something to admire. That is true love and charity. They are miles above me.
If I could choose, if I were able to decide to have three normal children and the simpler trials they present, I would have. I'm not that tough. I want things to be easier.
But, again, my Heavenly Father knows me better than I know myself. He knew that Jacob would make me a bigger person. He saw my potential to love unconditionally and to see this special boy as more of a blessing than a burden.
I am a better mother and wife, a better daughter, sister, friend, and child of God because of my personal challenges and experiences. Someone wise said, "I never said it would be easy, but it will be worth it." Words to keep a mother going.
On the days when it just feels to heavy to carry- I can lighten my load with a prayer in my heart. I recall in my mind the blessings I have gotten and the blessings that are sure to come.
There are blessings, absolutely. Without this trial I'd be a lesser person. The attributes that make me a good mother to this individuals special needs are qualities I have of because of Jacob.
I was doing a pretty good job of parenting my typical kids before autism came. They have always been happy and active and smart. But nothing ever required the extent of care that is now a necessity and, daily fact of life and I don't know what parenting style I would have grown into otherwise. I don't think that version of me would have been as tough as this one.
I was watching Oprah this afternoon while folding laundry. She was featuring and family who adopted a severely neglected little girl. When the young girl, Dani, was removed form her home she was six years old and had been confined for who knows how long to a small, filthy room with only an old, ripped mattress.
She weighed less than 30 pounds, couldn't walk normally, was wearing diapers, drinking what little she was actually fed from a bottle, and not speaking. The adoptive family wanted to care for a child, and when they saw her there was an immediate connection.
They have taken her into their lives, love her, care for her, work hours upon hours to help her, and are seeing progress in her development. Slow progress, but infinitely more than she would have gotten had she continued under the roof of her shamefully neglectful biological mother.
I watched the videos of her daily life and saw so many similarities to what goes on at my house. She reminded me quite a lot of Jacob. I assume Dani's new parents are dealing with more physical impairment issues than am, and I deal with more aggression and attacks. But, in general, the degree of delay in speech and the unusual behaviors looked the same.
I started off at the beginning of the program thinking "I do that all day. Where's my pat on the back? I didn't have a choice in the matter."
Selfish, I know. As soon as I thought it I felt ashamed of myself. So I closed my eyes and said a prayer for myself. Specifically to feel kindness and empathy, and not the desire for acknowledgement and credit.
I have a Father in heaven, as we all do, who loves me and wants me to be the best I can be, and he lovingly granted me new feelings about the situation almost immediately. My thoughts turned to the generosity and selflessness and open hearts of this family who made a choice to raise a child with such severe disabilities and an unknown future.
They saw her at her lowest, they welcomed the challenge, and they wanted her. That is something to admire. That is true love and charity. They are miles above me.
If I could choose, if I were able to decide to have three normal children and the simpler trials they present, I would have. I'm not that tough. I want things to be easier.
But, again, my Heavenly Father knows me better than I know myself. He knew that Jacob would make me a bigger person. He saw my potential to love unconditionally and to see this special boy as more of a blessing than a burden.
I am a better mother and wife, a better daughter, sister, friend, and child of God because of my personal challenges and experiences. Someone wise said, "I never said it would be easy, but it will be worth it." Words to keep a mother going.
On the days when it just feels to heavy to carry- I can lighten my load with a prayer in my heart. I recall in my mind the blessings I have gotten and the blessings that are sure to come.
Monday, March 02, 2009
Its Not Nice to Hurt Mommy
Chris and I were trying to cut Jacob's hair this afternoon, which is complete torture for everyone involved. We already knew this and thought we could manage. After about 30 minutes of trying to get him to let us do it without a fight by singing to him, trying to soothe, setting up a movie on the pc in the bathroom, bribing with soda and having no sucess, and a lot of screaming and hurting us, I had to sit on his legs and hold down his arms while Chris used the clippers. We both got scratched, bittten, pinched, etc. I have fingernail and teeth marks and a few bruises on my arms.
But the worst was when I was trying to cut it while Chris held Jacob on his lap. My chest was right in his face, and he leaned forward and bit my breast really hard. I think he damaged something inside. It hurts. :( I thought babies with new pointy baby teeth hurt, but this was an intentional bite form a big strong mouth, and it was 100x worse. This was nine hours ago and the pain has barely subsided.
In the heat of the moment I started laughing like a mad person. Sometimes it's either that or break down and cry. But I really hate when I start to laugh because I feel like I should be in the Nut House, and of course Jacob doesn't understand where the laughing is coming from when I should be yelping/crying/yelling "NO!!"
Fun times. How in the heck will we do this when he is bigger??
But despite a few hours of intense drama and physical exhertion, no day is all bad with Jacob, and I can't write about life with him without expressing my love for the little guy.
He has been dressing up like a mermaid for over a month now. Bikini and fins made of paper and taped to his body. I made him a more realistic looking sea-shell bikini, but he had little interest and discarded it for his homemade creations. Half the time he wants me to be a mermaid as well, and tapes my costume on as well. My family and anyone who comes to our house is getting used to seeing me with a paper crown, bikini, jewlery, tail, or any combination of these things. I don't even try to explain it anymore.
I was going over body parts with him yesterday, and I'm pretty sure he said "teeth." Its so hard to distinguish between real words and his baby talk. And since he never saus anything twice, I never have proof that he has learned to say somethiing new. No amount of begging or bribing gets this kid to repeat a word. At least I got to hear it once.
I enjoyed rubbing his newly buzzed head tonight as he fell asleep, and feeling his breath on my face because we are only an inch apart on the pillow. The sweetest high and the darkest lows- Jacob is a force all his own.
But the worst was when I was trying to cut it while Chris held Jacob on his lap. My chest was right in his face, and he leaned forward and bit my breast really hard. I think he damaged something inside. It hurts. :( I thought babies with new pointy baby teeth hurt, but this was an intentional bite form a big strong mouth, and it was 100x worse. This was nine hours ago and the pain has barely subsided.
In the heat of the moment I started laughing like a mad person. Sometimes it's either that or break down and cry. But I really hate when I start to laugh because I feel like I should be in the Nut House, and of course Jacob doesn't understand where the laughing is coming from when I should be yelping/crying/yelling "NO!!"
Fun times. How in the heck will we do this when he is bigger??
But despite a few hours of intense drama and physical exhertion, no day is all bad with Jacob, and I can't write about life with him without expressing my love for the little guy.
He has been dressing up like a mermaid for over a month now. Bikini and fins made of paper and taped to his body. I made him a more realistic looking sea-shell bikini, but he had little interest and discarded it for his homemade creations. Half the time he wants me to be a mermaid as well, and tapes my costume on as well. My family and anyone who comes to our house is getting used to seeing me with a paper crown, bikini, jewlery, tail, or any combination of these things. I don't even try to explain it anymore.
I was going over body parts with him yesterday, and I'm pretty sure he said "teeth." Its so hard to distinguish between real words and his baby talk. And since he never saus anything twice, I never have proof that he has learned to say somethiing new. No amount of begging or bribing gets this kid to repeat a word. At least I got to hear it once.
I enjoyed rubbing his newly buzzed head tonight as he fell asleep, and feeling his breath on my face because we are only an inch apart on the pillow. The sweetest high and the darkest lows- Jacob is a force all his own.
Monday, February 09, 2009
Help
I have a bruised up arm, a bloody toe, my head aches from my hair being pulled, and my already-problematic knee is killing me.
The freezer door will not close, a vase I inherited from my grandma is broken, a keepsake from a long-ago trip to Mexico is shattered, and every can of corn from my food storage is dented from being thrown.
My home and I- beaten up by a seven year old, once again.
Yesterday evening Jacob was told "no" when he pulled a chair into the pantry and got down a third juice box. This set him off, and today, almost 24 hours later, he is still on the verge of exploding and I am afraid to deny him anything.
One small thing- no more juice after already having 2- caused such an aggressive episode and makes me afraid of my son. His response to anything negative, no matter how insignificant it really is, is hugely over-blown into an event that causes feelings of hopelessness, frustration and real physical pain to me and the rest of my family.
A few things that have caused similar tantrums in the past: a missing toy, brushing his teeth, taking off a shirt he has worn for 3 days straight, bed time, turning off a cartoon, not taking him on a car ride immediately after he requests it, and the most common- denial of food.
I really worry about my feet. I have Type 1 (Juvenile) diabetes, and damaged nerves in the feet is one of the first and most likely complications I face. I'm typing this as my toe still throbs from something that happened over two hours ago.
There is a high probability of Jacob permanently braking or otherwise injuring my toes and feet and my body being unable to heal. Its hard enough to physically contain him when necessary right now, how could I manage if I don't have full use of my body?? I worry about this all the time.
In the past we have tried different medication that are supposed to suppress aggressive behavior. Anti-psychotics (which I hate simply because of the name), mood altering anti-depressants, meds that are simply meant to calm him and cause mild sedation, ADHD and OCD prescribed drugs.
I don't think drugging Jacob is the solution to this problem. I would like him to be his natural, curious, creative self. But at what cost?
Behavioral therapy has been tried and tried again but nothing has worked effectively for long. The ideal solution would be to find ways of calming him down by just using sensory techniques, but we have yet to find any trigger for this behavior other than simply not liking what his dad or I request/deny him.
I went around the house today and moved everything he might be able to throw or otherwise hurt anyone with. But we cannot afford to buy a new fridge, so what do i do about that? Chris has already repaired it a few times, and it is barely a year old. I can't replace many of the broken or damaged items in my home, and I cannot afford to repair the bed/table/couch/TV and other items that cost more than free.
As I am typing this, Jacob comes up to me and kisses my arm, looking adorable in his homemade mermaid costume (The Little Mermaid is his current obsession) and smiling like he wasn't trying to hurt me just a while ago.
Tonight as he gets tired (medication-induced) he will want to snuggle close with his arms tightly around me. I'll hug him and kiss him and think about how soft his skin is, still like a baby, and about the many blessings he has brought into my life.
And as he falls asleep I'll pray for help.
The freezer door will not close, a vase I inherited from my grandma is broken, a keepsake from a long-ago trip to Mexico is shattered, and every can of corn from my food storage is dented from being thrown.
My home and I- beaten up by a seven year old, once again.
Yesterday evening Jacob was told "no" when he pulled a chair into the pantry and got down a third juice box. This set him off, and today, almost 24 hours later, he is still on the verge of exploding and I am afraid to deny him anything.
One small thing- no more juice after already having 2- caused such an aggressive episode and makes me afraid of my son. His response to anything negative, no matter how insignificant it really is, is hugely over-blown into an event that causes feelings of hopelessness, frustration and real physical pain to me and the rest of my family.
A few things that have caused similar tantrums in the past: a missing toy, brushing his teeth, taking off a shirt he has worn for 3 days straight, bed time, turning off a cartoon, not taking him on a car ride immediately after he requests it, and the most common- denial of food.
I really worry about my feet. I have Type 1 (Juvenile) diabetes, and damaged nerves in the feet is one of the first and most likely complications I face. I'm typing this as my toe still throbs from something that happened over two hours ago.
There is a high probability of Jacob permanently braking or otherwise injuring my toes and feet and my body being unable to heal. Its hard enough to physically contain him when necessary right now, how could I manage if I don't have full use of my body?? I worry about this all the time.
In the past we have tried different medication that are supposed to suppress aggressive behavior. Anti-psychotics (which I hate simply because of the name), mood altering anti-depressants, meds that are simply meant to calm him and cause mild sedation, ADHD and OCD prescribed drugs.
I don't think drugging Jacob is the solution to this problem. I would like him to be his natural, curious, creative self. But at what cost?
Behavioral therapy has been tried and tried again but nothing has worked effectively for long. The ideal solution would be to find ways of calming him down by just using sensory techniques, but we have yet to find any trigger for this behavior other than simply not liking what his dad or I request/deny him.
I went around the house today and moved everything he might be able to throw or otherwise hurt anyone with. But we cannot afford to buy a new fridge, so what do i do about that? Chris has already repaired it a few times, and it is barely a year old. I can't replace many of the broken or damaged items in my home, and I cannot afford to repair the bed/table/couch/TV and other items that cost more than free.
As I am typing this, Jacob comes up to me and kisses my arm, looking adorable in his homemade mermaid costume (The Little Mermaid is his current obsession) and smiling like he wasn't trying to hurt me just a while ago.
Tonight as he gets tired (medication-induced) he will want to snuggle close with his arms tightly around me. I'll hug him and kiss him and think about how soft his skin is, still like a baby, and about the many blessings he has brought into my life.
And as he falls asleep I'll pray for help.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Sunday, February 01, 2009
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!
This is the most riduculous thing ever. Seriously- this dog's head can reach any part of the table perfectly without even getting up on her two back legs. So when I caught her doing this tonight you could say I was a little ticked (but I still had to run and get the camera before she knew she was in BIG TROUBLE.)
Wiping (the Smile Right Off of My Face)
If you are not the parent of a special needs child, a mom or dad who has very recently undergone the process of potty training, or a person who is easily grossed out (Sharlie), you may want to skip this post.
I have never, not since Tyler was born in 1996, been free of changing diapers. Not for a single day. I remember, all those years ago when my kids were infants and toddlers, complaining to Chris or whoever else would listen about what a pain it was to change diapers all day long.
Then after a while, three kids and 5 years into it, diapering just became second hand- not my favorite task but not a big deal, either.
I think it was 2005, when Tyler and Madison were long past that stage and Jacob was 4 and still in the thick of it, that I became completely DONE with diapers and wipes and all things poopy. Unfortunately, my being over it and ready to move on did not prove to be reason enough for Jacob to feel the same way.
Totally inconsiderate, if you ask me.
So here we are. It's 2009 and Jacob is almost eight and his rear end is way to big to be swathed in not-absorbent-enough cotton and I'm almost 33 and ready to have only my own large bottom to be concerned about and if a magic lamp with a wish-granting genie fell into my lap the first words out of my mouth would be ."I'm so sick of this poop."
Jacob's teacher, bless her, has trained Jacob t0 be 95% dry during school hours. He leaves on the little bus in underwear and comes home 7 hours later wearing the same pair. He pees in the big-kid potty in the school hallway and gives her no trouble.
He has never had a BM at school. He saves that for me.
On one hand I'm glad that he isn't subjecting people who don't love him as much as I do to the most unpleasant part of parenting. On the other hand it would be really awesome to have that part of his day over and done with before the messy task falls to me.
At home we can get Jacob to use the potty for going #1 about two-thirds of the time. He still has accidents in his clothes and often takes off his undies to sneak on a diaper when we aren't looking and sleeps in a pull-up every night.
So as much as I want to move past this stage and onto the next one, I have an admission to make to everyone that I have never made before: I am afraid to let him wipe. I would prefer to have all the poo contained to the diaper where I can clean it all away and put it in the dumpster and be done with it.
I know my kid, and I know that he would be very interested in the wiping part of having a BM on the toilet. I cringe, I whine, I don't breathe through my nose, but I shudder even more at the thought of Jacob's little hands soiled and spreading germs on the walls and toys and in my hair before I realize he has attempted to clean himself. Because then instead of the gross-but-familiar routine of "clean and dispose" I would be forced to be on Poop Watch 24/7 to avoid the mess getting anywhere but on the paper and flushed away.
I know, I know. I need to suck it up and do it. I need to follow him around, guiding him to the toilet and suffering through stinky hands and dirty fingernails and washing and washing and washing, forsaking all else, every hour of every day that he is home with me, until this goal of completely potty trained is met. He hasn't shown any interest, understanding or desire for this part of life yet. So starting the process is all up to me.
I don't wanna. Its yucky. I already do lots of yucky stuff. Aren't all these years of suffering through it enough? Don't I deserve one easy thing? Feel sorry for me!!! (Read all that in a whiny, pleading voice.) I am stuck doing something that I can't stand and that will only continue to get harder. I'm taking the easy(er) road now and trying not to think about how much more difficult this going to be as we both get older.
I need suggestions and advice and above all else and live-in nanny to take care of the dirty deed for me. Seriously.
I have never, not since Tyler was born in 1996, been free of changing diapers. Not for a single day. I remember, all those years ago when my kids were infants and toddlers, complaining to Chris or whoever else would listen about what a pain it was to change diapers all day long.
Then after a while, three kids and 5 years into it, diapering just became second hand- not my favorite task but not a big deal, either.
I think it was 2005, when Tyler and Madison were long past that stage and Jacob was 4 and still in the thick of it, that I became completely DONE with diapers and wipes and all things poopy. Unfortunately, my being over it and ready to move on did not prove to be reason enough for Jacob to feel the same way.
Totally inconsiderate, if you ask me.
So here we are. It's 2009 and Jacob is almost eight and his rear end is way to big to be swathed in not-absorbent-enough cotton and I'm almost 33 and ready to have only my own large bottom to be concerned about and if a magic lamp with a wish-granting genie fell into my lap the first words out of my mouth would be ."I'm so sick of this poop."
Jacob's teacher, bless her, has trained Jacob t0 be 95% dry during school hours. He leaves on the little bus in underwear and comes home 7 hours later wearing the same pair. He pees in the big-kid potty in the school hallway and gives her no trouble.
He has never had a BM at school. He saves that for me.
On one hand I'm glad that he isn't subjecting people who don't love him as much as I do to the most unpleasant part of parenting. On the other hand it would be really awesome to have that part of his day over and done with before the messy task falls to me.
At home we can get Jacob to use the potty for going #1 about two-thirds of the time. He still has accidents in his clothes and often takes off his undies to sneak on a diaper when we aren't looking and sleeps in a pull-up every night.
So as much as I want to move past this stage and onto the next one, I have an admission to make to everyone that I have never made before: I am afraid to let him wipe. I would prefer to have all the poo contained to the diaper where I can clean it all away and put it in the dumpster and be done with it.
I know my kid, and I know that he would be very interested in the wiping part of having a BM on the toilet. I cringe, I whine, I don't breathe through my nose, but I shudder even more at the thought of Jacob's little hands soiled and spreading germs on the walls and toys and in my hair before I realize he has attempted to clean himself. Because then instead of the gross-but-familiar routine of "clean and dispose" I would be forced to be on Poop Watch 24/7 to avoid the mess getting anywhere but on the paper and flushed away.
I know, I know. I need to suck it up and do it. I need to follow him around, guiding him to the toilet and suffering through stinky hands and dirty fingernails and washing and washing and washing, forsaking all else, every hour of every day that he is home with me, until this goal of completely potty trained is met. He hasn't shown any interest, understanding or desire for this part of life yet. So starting the process is all up to me.
I don't wanna. Its yucky. I already do lots of yucky stuff. Aren't all these years of suffering through it enough? Don't I deserve one easy thing? Feel sorry for me!!! (Read all that in a whiny, pleading voice.) I am stuck doing something that I can't stand and that will only continue to get harder. I'm taking the easy(er) road now and trying not to think about how much more difficult this going to be as we both get older.
I need suggestions and advice and above all else and live-in nanny to take care of the dirty deed for me. Seriously.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Is Cannibalism Back In Style?
Jacob has an amusing new antic. It took a few times of him doing this for me to
realize what he was doing, and now that I understand, I can't stop giggling about it.
It started with him trying to force me to sit on the kitchen floor on a paper towel.
I wasn't sure why, the linoleum was dirty and I didn't want to do it.
He tried this several times, and I did sit down for a second, but I was unsure what the point was- and there is always a point to what Jacob makes/wears/acts out.
After several attempts to get me involved in the mystery game, he got a plate out of the cupboard, and tried to get me to sit on that as well. Whatever- my butt does not come close to fitting on a plate and I didn't really want to prove myself right.
Jacob caught on that I didn't want to comply and thought up an alternate plan. He taped the plate to my rear-end. If that wasn't weird enough (despite me being totally used to having things taped onto me by this kid) he started to pretend to eat me.
I got it! He was serving me up on a platter!
Since I like to give Jacob his food on a paper towel, of course that was he preferred way of dining. But stubborn old mom needed a little more to understand the game.
He is so adorable pretending to nibble on my arms and stomach, making gulping sounds and laughing at himself.
This evening he brought me a sandwich he had made: bread, ketchup, cheese, and action figure. Not sure where this hunger for people came from, but its keeping me entertained!
realize what he was doing, and now that I understand, I can't stop giggling about it.
It started with him trying to force me to sit on the kitchen floor on a paper towel.
I wasn't sure why, the linoleum was dirty and I didn't want to do it.
He tried this several times, and I did sit down for a second, but I was unsure what the point was- and there is always a point to what Jacob makes/wears/acts out.
After several attempts to get me involved in the mystery game, he got a plate out of the cupboard, and tried to get me to sit on that as well. Whatever- my butt does not come close to fitting on a plate and I didn't really want to prove myself right.
Jacob caught on that I didn't want to comply and thought up an alternate plan. He taped the plate to my rear-end. If that wasn't weird enough (despite me being totally used to having things taped onto me by this kid) he started to pretend to eat me.
I got it! He was serving me up on a platter!
Since I like to give Jacob his food on a paper towel, of course that was he preferred way of dining. But stubborn old mom needed a little more to understand the game.
He is so adorable pretending to nibble on my arms and stomach, making gulping sounds and laughing at himself.
This evening he brought me a sandwich he had made: bread, ketchup, cheese, and action figure. Not sure where this hunger for people came from, but its keeping me entertained!
The Kindness of Strangers
A friend of mine had a really horrible incident this week with her kids in a restaurant. She ventured out on her own, hugely pregnant and with three kids under six, hoping for a break from cooking and a fun time at a family-oriented place.
She recounted the story of how her kids (all boys) were behaving very well. Being a bit silly and wiggly, as all kids do when they are confined to a chair for the duration of a meal, but nevertheless getting along and enjoying themselves. Then a manager approached her table and said there had been a customer complaint, and proceeded to condescendingly (and loudly) lecture my friend and discipline her children.
After hearing her story, I got to thinking about all the times we have had comments and reprimands and nasty looks from strangers. It is not uncommon for a mom who is trying to soothe or discipline her child to have the people around her glare, tsk, and comment. Even the best behaved kid throws an occasional tantrum in the grocery store or refuses to walk and collapses to the ground and my own kids are certainly not exempt.
Having a special needs child like Jacob increases the likelihood that these situations will become regular occurrences. There have been more than a few incidents of unfriendliness and misunderstanding and each one has left me hurt and questioning the decency of people.
A mom like me (or any mom for that matter) has enough reasons to be stressed to the max or feel inadequate to parent this child she has been given. The disapproval of strangers does nothing to control the situation, comments said under breath but meant to be heard are extremely insulting and just make it harder for me to take my child in to the community (the cummunity that he has a smuch right as any other person to be a part of) and keep up confidence.
I was lying in bed last night remembering the times I have been offended and criticized but unless you have a hankering for bad dreams, that is no way to fall asleep. So I made a decision to focus instead on the time when strangers have been gentle, positive, and helpful. To my pleasant surprise there was no shortage of simple kindnesses I could recall.
A little patience and a sympathetic smile means so much. Interested, wondering looks are great. I want people to understand Jacob and questions do not offend. A helpful hand and gentle voice can make my day.
"Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless." -Mother Teresa
She recounted the story of how her kids (all boys) were behaving very well. Being a bit silly and wiggly, as all kids do when they are confined to a chair for the duration of a meal, but nevertheless getting along and enjoying themselves. Then a manager approached her table and said there had been a customer complaint, and proceeded to condescendingly (and loudly) lecture my friend and discipline her children.
After hearing her story, I got to thinking about all the times we have had comments and reprimands and nasty looks from strangers. It is not uncommon for a mom who is trying to soothe or discipline her child to have the people around her glare, tsk, and comment. Even the best behaved kid throws an occasional tantrum in the grocery store or refuses to walk and collapses to the ground and my own kids are certainly not exempt.
Having a special needs child like Jacob increases the likelihood that these situations will become regular occurrences. There have been more than a few incidents of unfriendliness and misunderstanding and each one has left me hurt and questioning the decency of people.
A mom like me (or any mom for that matter) has enough reasons to be stressed to the max or feel inadequate to parent this child she has been given. The disapproval of strangers does nothing to control the situation, comments said under breath but meant to be heard are extremely insulting and just make it harder for me to take my child in to the community (the cummunity that he has a smuch right as any other person to be a part of) and keep up confidence.
I was lying in bed last night remembering the times I have been offended and criticized but unless you have a hankering for bad dreams, that is no way to fall asleep. So I made a decision to focus instead on the time when strangers have been gentle, positive, and helpful. To my pleasant surprise there was no shortage of simple kindnesses I could recall.
A little patience and a sympathetic smile means so much. Interested, wondering looks are great. I want people to understand Jacob and questions do not offend. A helpful hand and gentle voice can make my day.
"Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless." -Mother Teresa
Monday, January 05, 2009
Whew. What a month. It started with seven days off school due to snow during which were unable to leave the house for 6 days. We celebrated Madison's birthday on the 12th with a houseful of preteen girls, and then the real 2-week Christmas break started. We said a teary goodbye to Grandma (who moved away from Oregon after 50 years), went to a few parties, received one of my sisters home from Italy and another from Germany. We had a great Christmas day with just our little family, and then ended the season with Tyler's 12th birthday and fireworks on New Years.
The holiday decorations are put away, kids have returned to school, and I'm back to work in the morning. No more staying up late and sleeping til 10, but the house will stay clean for a few hours longer without little people leaving trails all day. I can't wait to resume my three-day-a-week midday nap schedule. The only disappointment of the whole season is that my camera has kicked the can. No pictures of any of the birthdays or other events, and it really kills me. It was just a simple inexpensive point-and-shoot, but regardless my love of photography is fairly recent and I didn't realize how much I'd miss it.
The newest biggest event is still to come. 75% of you will think we are crazy and many of you may avoid coming back to my house ever again, but despite those odds we are getting a new dog.
No biggie, right? What if I tell you her name is Mercy Me and she is one year old and still growing?
Oh, and that she is a 115+ lb Mastiff. She will be as big as my husband and around 200 lbs when she is full grown.
Our puppy search has been going on for several months because I have been holding out for just the right dog. When I heard about Mercy I had to go see her that night. I have always wanted a really big dog, and obviously she meets that criteria.
All the details about her add up to a really great pet- drymouth (no drooling), shorter hair, amazingly calm for such a big creature, great hips, eyes and elbows (concerns for a dog this large). As is typical for Mastiffs, she'll intimidate the heck out of strangers and mailmen with her deep bark and 6'2" standing height, but is actually very gentle and only corners in threatening people rather than biting.
Her current "parents" are a lineman and a special needs mom, just like Chris and I. She has been around small kids since she as a new pup, and has a special connection with her current family's special needs child. I'm sure an animal this size will be able to endure Jacob's brand of attention. I have done a lot of research on the breed, and was surprised to learn about their calm nature, gentleness, and loyalty.
My personal goal, besides having her love me the most, is to get her to pull me up the hill after we take walks together. We live at the top of a hill that I haven't even attempted to walk yet but with Mercy on a leash I should be able to conquer it. A pet her size needs to get out and exercise a few times a day and you could say I'm counting on her to be my personal workout motivation and trainer.
Friday evening we go pick her up, and its all the kids can do to not jump out of their skin with excitement. I'm enjoying the last few days of living in a relatively pet hair free home. That is definitely going to change.
The holiday decorations are put away, kids have returned to school, and I'm back to work in the morning. No more staying up late and sleeping til 10, but the house will stay clean for a few hours longer without little people leaving trails all day. I can't wait to resume my three-day-a-week midday nap schedule. The only disappointment of the whole season is that my camera has kicked the can. No pictures of any of the birthdays or other events, and it really kills me. It was just a simple inexpensive point-and-shoot, but regardless my love of photography is fairly recent and I didn't realize how much I'd miss it.
The newest biggest event is still to come. 75% of you will think we are crazy and many of you may avoid coming back to my house ever again, but despite those odds we are getting a new dog.
No biggie, right? What if I tell you her name is Mercy Me and she is one year old and still growing?
Oh, and that she is a 115+ lb Mastiff. She will be as big as my husband and around 200 lbs when she is full grown.
Our puppy search has been going on for several months because I have been holding out for just the right dog. When I heard about Mercy I had to go see her that night. I have always wanted a really big dog, and obviously she meets that criteria.
All the details about her add up to a really great pet- drymouth (no drooling), shorter hair, amazingly calm for such a big creature, great hips, eyes and elbows (concerns for a dog this large). As is typical for Mastiffs, she'll intimidate the heck out of strangers and mailmen with her deep bark and 6'2" standing height, but is actually very gentle and only corners in threatening people rather than biting.
Her current "parents" are a lineman and a special needs mom, just like Chris and I. She has been around small kids since she as a new pup, and has a special connection with her current family's special needs child. I'm sure an animal this size will be able to endure Jacob's brand of attention. I have done a lot of research on the breed, and was surprised to learn about their calm nature, gentleness, and loyalty.
My personal goal, besides having her love me the most, is to get her to pull me up the hill after we take walks together. We live at the top of a hill that I haven't even attempted to walk yet but with Mercy on a leash I should be able to conquer it. A pet her size needs to get out and exercise a few times a day and you could say I'm counting on her to be my personal workout motivation and trainer.
Friday evening we go pick her up, and its all the kids can do to not jump out of their skin with excitement. I'm enjoying the last few days of living in a relatively pet hair free home. That is definitely going to change.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Take Another Little Piece of my Heart.
It always happens just when a mommy thinks she may run away from home. Right when the mess and the noise and the lack of privacy gets to be a little to heavy.....one of her kids does something charming and perfect and she forgets all her reasons for thinking an escape was the only option.
It has to be a gift from God that a mother can survive day after day, repeating the exhausting routine, fueled only by kisses and love.
My daughter turned 10 last week. It seems like just yesterday I was bringing her home from the hospital, cliche' but true, and now she is a tall, beautiful young lady. Madison sings, dances, runs, laughs, creates and fills this home with originality and fun. A big part of the energy in our family is thanks to her. I have always considered her my rockstar.
Madison hasn't ever been very interested in reading, but something has spurred her on recently, motivating her to spend several hours each night absorbed in fiction. It has been such fun to have her call me into her room so she can tell me all about the characters in her books.
I remember doing this with my own mom. Trying to explain the plots in a way that mom would get as excited about it as I was. What is interesting to me now is that as Madison is talking with her hands and making such expressive faces, I'm not nearly as focused as I should be on what she is saying but on how smart and funny and emotional she is and how I feel so connected by this passion we now share.
Today she asked me to buy her a book she has been bringing home from the school library so that she can read it again when she is done. I'm such a book nerd that I still have shelves of paperbacks from when I was her age and it is making me ridiculously giddy to have her read the same stories I loved so much.
Tyler, my middle schooler (still seems unreal) is fiercely dedicated to being excellent at football and to getting all A's and so far he hasn't had anything less than success. He tells me so every day as soon as he walks in the door. Tyler gets up and ready early every morning without me having to wake him, does his homework first thing after school, helps me out a ton, hugs me and asks me how my day is going......the list could go on and on. He is fun, smart, athletic, kind, and well rounded all-American kid.
I don't know how I got so lucky, and believe it a miracle that Chris and I with all our bad habits and imperfections could produce such a fabulous young man. He was the blessing that changed my life all those years ago and he continues to bless me every single day.
Jacob- chunk of my soul that walks around outside me. There are days that I can't tell where he starts and I end. His little steps forward put me on top of the world while the struggles he has break my heart.
As my other kids are growing up and gradually stepping away as they should be, Jacob still needs me as much as ever and I can barely entertain thoughts of having him cared for by anyone else. It still scares me every time I send him off on the little school bus to face the world alone so I stand and wave goodbye until the school bus is out of view.
It has to be a gift from God that a mother can survive day after day, repeating the exhausting routine, fueled only by kisses and love.
My daughter turned 10 last week. It seems like just yesterday I was bringing her home from the hospital, cliche' but true, and now she is a tall, beautiful young lady. Madison sings, dances, runs, laughs, creates and fills this home with originality and fun. A big part of the energy in our family is thanks to her. I have always considered her my rockstar.
Madison hasn't ever been very interested in reading, but something has spurred her on recently, motivating her to spend several hours each night absorbed in fiction. It has been such fun to have her call me into her room so she can tell me all about the characters in her books.
I remember doing this with my own mom. Trying to explain the plots in a way that mom would get as excited about it as I was. What is interesting to me now is that as Madison is talking with her hands and making such expressive faces, I'm not nearly as focused as I should be on what she is saying but on how smart and funny and emotional she is and how I feel so connected by this passion we now share.
Today she asked me to buy her a book she has been bringing home from the school library so that she can read it again when she is done. I'm such a book nerd that I still have shelves of paperbacks from when I was her age and it is making me ridiculously giddy to have her read the same stories I loved so much.
Tyler, my middle schooler (still seems unreal) is fiercely dedicated to being excellent at football and to getting all A's and so far he hasn't had anything less than success. He tells me so every day as soon as he walks in the door. Tyler gets up and ready early every morning without me having to wake him, does his homework first thing after school, helps me out a ton, hugs me and asks me how my day is going......the list could go on and on. He is fun, smart, athletic, kind, and well rounded all-American kid.
I don't know how I got so lucky, and believe it a miracle that Chris and I with all our bad habits and imperfections could produce such a fabulous young man. He was the blessing that changed my life all those years ago and he continues to bless me every single day.
Jacob- chunk of my soul that walks around outside me. There are days that I can't tell where he starts and I end. His little steps forward put me on top of the world while the struggles he has break my heart.
As my other kids are growing up and gradually stepping away as they should be, Jacob still needs me as much as ever and I can barely entertain thoughts of having him cared for by anyone else. It still scares me every time I send him off on the little school bus to face the world alone so I stand and wave goodbye until the school bus is out of view.
These children of mine are my ..... The progress and the setbacks, the laughter and the tears- I feel it all so deeply and praise Heavenly Father for letting me have this connection to 3 amazing little human beings. Time passes and they grow and it gets closer to when they won't be mine as much as they will be their own. No matter where they go and who they become, they will always have a big piece of my heart in their hands. 
Thursday, December 11, 2008
My Words and Hers
How Sweet The Return
I leave because I then return
To hear a treasured little voice,
Echo through my warm home,
"Ma?"
And the strongest little arms I know come crushing,
"Ma."
And two hearts beat in time.
-mommy
Child of My Love, "lean hard,"
And let Me feel the pressure of thy care.
I know thy burden, child: I shaped it,
Poised it in Mine own hand, made no proportion
Of its weight to thine unaided strength;
For even as I laid it on I said-
I shall be near, and while she leans on Me,
This burden shall be Mine, not hers;
So I shall keep My child within the circling arms
Of Mine own love. Here lay it down, nor fear
To impose it on a shoulder which upholds
The government of the worlds. Yet closer come,
Thou are not near enough; I would embrace thy care,
So I might feel My child reposing on my breast.
Thou lovest me? I know it. Doubt not then,
But, loving Me, lean hard.
Charlotte Bickersteth Ward (1822-1896)
I leave because I then return
To hear a treasured little voice,
Echo through my warm home,
"Ma?"
And the strongest little arms I know come crushing,
"Ma."
And two hearts beat in time.
-mommy
Child of My Love, "lean hard,"
And let Me feel the pressure of thy care.
I know thy burden, child: I shaped it,
Poised it in Mine own hand, made no proportion
Of its weight to thine unaided strength;
For even as I laid it on I said-
I shall be near, and while she leans on Me,
This burden shall be Mine, not hers;
So I shall keep My child within the circling arms
Of Mine own love. Here lay it down, nor fear
To impose it on a shoulder which upholds
The government of the worlds. Yet closer come,
Thou are not near enough; I would embrace thy care,
So I might feel My child reposing on my breast.
Thou lovest me? I know it. Doubt not then,
But, loving Me, lean hard.
Charlotte Bickersteth Ward (1822-1896)
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Jacob "Indiana" Jones
Jacob has always been fascinated by the characters on movies and TV shows he watches. Our family has had a lot of laughs watching him morph into Spongebob, Dumbo, Scooby Doo, Pharaoh, Mufasa, and most recently, Indiana Jones.
This newest character obsession caught us by surprise. Jacob has never shown much interest in shows that aren't animated. When he kept bringing me the Crystal Scull DVD, I thought he didn't realize what he was asking and kept trying to put on one of his old favorites instead. He got ticked at me for not understanding, and rather than turn in into a fight, I chose to put it on and wait for him to get bored of it.
But he didn't. He watched the whole movie through, and then had me start it again. I was beyond surprised, seeing as Jacob has never sat through an entire non-cartoon before, ever.
This seems like a big step forward- enjoying and somewhat understanding stories revolving around human characters. My hope is that it will lead to more of a connection with the real people in his life.
In true Jacob style, it wasn't long before he was searching the house for items to assemble his costume. And what he can't find, he creates. So here we have, paper whip and all-
Jacob "Indiana" Jones
I can't wait to introduce more of the best movies to him and see where his imagination takes us.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Monday, November 03, 2008
Love in a Different Launguage
When you haven't slept an entire night through in 7 years.
When he runs across the street, opens a neighbor's door and lets out their dogs.
When two gallons of milk end up in the hot tub.
When you feel like autism is overwhelming and you never get a break, you have a wonderful moment with a special child who makes it all ok.
When he says "pizza" at school but refuses at home.
When teacher insists he write his first AND last name, but you have never seen him do it.
When you discover important papers cut into shreds.
When being the mom is the hardest thing in the world, your innocent child draws you a picture of a crown and tapes it to your forehead and you remember how often he makes you laugh.
When you have to pull your kid off the bus driver.
When poop becomes a fun toy and your carpet cleaner is dead.
When you have bruises and bite marks that hurt and make the other shoppers stare.
When you feel sore and exhausted and you just want to cry, that is just when your son takes your hand, kisses your arm and pats your tummy gently and you know he is loving you in his own way.
When he runs across the street, opens a neighbor's door and lets out their dogs.
When two gallons of milk end up in the hot tub.
When you feel like autism is overwhelming and you never get a break, you have a wonderful moment with a special child who makes it all ok.
When he says "pizza" at school but refuses at home.
When teacher insists he write his first AND last name, but you have never seen him do it.
When you discover important papers cut into shreds.
When being the mom is the hardest thing in the world, your innocent child draws you a picture of a crown and tapes it to your forehead and you remember how often he makes you laugh.
When you have to pull your kid off the bus driver.
When poop becomes a fun toy and your carpet cleaner is dead.
When you have bruises and bite marks that hurt and make the other shoppers stare.
When you feel sore and exhausted and you just want to cry, that is just when your son takes your hand, kisses your arm and pats your tummy gently and you know he is loving you in his own way.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Not Yet
I spent last Wednesday interviewing respite care providers. My goal is to hire and train three employees to take care of Jacob. Seven days later and I cannot bring myself to offer anyone the job. I want to, I really do. It would be a substantial relief to have someone to call on when I need help with caring for Jacob.
I want a real professional to tell me what to do. I do not like being the boss. I am not good at it.
There were several nice people who applied to work with Jacob. Only two with any real experience, but all very open to being trained for his specific needs which is really all they need.
Regardless, I am having a ridiculously hard time extending trust to someone that I do not already know to care for my most vulnerable loved one.
Whomever I decide to hire would go through fingerprinting and background checks. I could fire this person at any time if I had reason to. This should reassure me, right?
Except how many times does an individual with perfectly clean background turn out to be the bad guy? Maybe not even the bad guy but simply not very nice, or just unobservant enough to let Jacob slip out the front door?
What if he is crying and they don't comfort him but instead decide he needs to suck it up? Jacob can't tell me, not in any typical way. I have to rely on what I see and on my mother's intuition. So what if I don't notice if something is amiss? Perhaps it is my own instincts that I do not trust.
Are my fears valid? Do other parents feel the same way when the time comes to put the care of a special child into the hands of someone else? Do other moms and dads just continue to avoid making a decision, or are they able to get over it and be happy to get the break they deserve?
How can I expect Jacob to grow and accept new people and experiences when I'm not even giving it a chance?? I feel like a child myself-knowing what is best for me, but choosing to be stubborn. Am I shortchanging him? If I hold off for now will he miss out on something that could have changed his life?
Chris and I have been attending to Jacob's every need with no help for all these years. As difficult as it is at times, we love him and want the very best for him. No one else will ever feel like we do for this little boy. To let go of this now and depend on a stranger is a monumental change for my family.
I am not ready.
I want a real professional to tell me what to do. I do not like being the boss. I am not good at it.
There were several nice people who applied to work with Jacob. Only two with any real experience, but all very open to being trained for his specific needs which is really all they need.
Regardless, I am having a ridiculously hard time extending trust to someone that I do not already know to care for my most vulnerable loved one.
Whomever I decide to hire would go through fingerprinting and background checks. I could fire this person at any time if I had reason to. This should reassure me, right?
Except how many times does an individual with perfectly clean background turn out to be the bad guy? Maybe not even the bad guy but simply not very nice, or just unobservant enough to let Jacob slip out the front door?
What if he is crying and they don't comfort him but instead decide he needs to suck it up? Jacob can't tell me, not in any typical way. I have to rely on what I see and on my mother's intuition. So what if I don't notice if something is amiss? Perhaps it is my own instincts that I do not trust.
Are my fears valid? Do other parents feel the same way when the time comes to put the care of a special child into the hands of someone else? Do other moms and dads just continue to avoid making a decision, or are they able to get over it and be happy to get the break they deserve?
How can I expect Jacob to grow and accept new people and experiences when I'm not even giving it a chance?? I feel like a child myself-knowing what is best for me, but choosing to be stubborn. Am I shortchanging him? If I hold off for now will he miss out on something that could have changed his life?
Chris and I have been attending to Jacob's every need with no help for all these years. As difficult as it is at times, we love him and want the very best for him. No one else will ever feel like we do for this little boy. To let go of this now and depend on a stranger is a monumental change for my family.
I am not ready.
Thursday, October 02, 2008
A Day To Go Down In History
Is it possible to have one of the most disgusting autistic events and a great day of progress at the same time?
Yes. Yes, it is.
Poop. I could go into a lot of disgusting detail, but I'll spare you. I will say these words and you can use your imagination: spoonfuls, mold, mysterious smells, trampoline netting, smears, rotating fan, Jacob. Have fun with that.
And now for the good stuff because I'd like to get the occurrences of the last few hours out of my mind. However I doubt I will ever forget. It's seared there forever.
Jacob has displayed two new skills to us today- nodding and mimicking sounds. Funny that those two things are so thrilling to the mother of a child as old as mine, but if you know the history (which I assume you do if you are reading this blog) then you know that the seemingly smallest progress can be an incredible advance.
This morning I asked Jacob if he wanted eggs for breakfast, not really thinking he understood "eggs" and "breakfast", more likely the pointing that I was doing. But then he nodded enthusiastically. Of course I thought it was a total coincidence. So I asked him if he wanted cereal, and he made his "NO" sound.
Then I asked him again, not pointing to the egg carton this time, and he definitely nodded. After he finished eating I asked him if he was all done, and he nodded again! Three times in appropriate context, and I am convinced he has learned a new skill. Yay!!
When Jacob got home from school today there was a small note from his teacher in his backpack. She wrote that Jacob was mimicking words today. Repeatedly. Mouse, Jones, Yellow, Up, Jacob. I know that the words probably didn't sound like they would if you or I were to say them, but who cares?? Any effort in the way of language is a really, really big deal. Really big.
Of course he had no interest in copying anything I tried to get him to say, but stubborn is his middle name and I didn't expect him to give me a repeat performance. Jacob has his own ideas of who he wants to thrill and when. I have been waiting for all these years to hear his sweet little voice say something more, and I can wait for however long it takes him to show me what he can do.
Tonight as Jacob was getting ready for bed he willingly brushed his own teeth. This is always a big dramatic scene at bedtime, and I really didn't believe my eyes even as it was happening right in front of me. No toothpaste and not close to a dentist-worthy cleaning but, again, who cares?? This is PROGRESS!!
The good things really outweigh the bad today. I'll get over the poop incident eventually, even if it never really leaves my mind. And the expressive language/mimicking sounds is enough to keep my on a high for a good long time.
These emotional ups and downs all squished into one day really wears a mom out. I think I'm going to have happy dreams tonight.
Yes. Yes, it is.
Poop. I could go into a lot of disgusting detail, but I'll spare you. I will say these words and you can use your imagination: spoonfuls, mold, mysterious smells, trampoline netting, smears, rotating fan, Jacob. Have fun with that.
And now for the good stuff because I'd like to get the occurrences of the last few hours out of my mind. However I doubt I will ever forget. It's seared there forever.
Jacob has displayed two new skills to us today- nodding and mimicking sounds. Funny that those two things are so thrilling to the mother of a child as old as mine, but if you know the history (which I assume you do if you are reading this blog) then you know that the seemingly smallest progress can be an incredible advance.
This morning I asked Jacob if he wanted eggs for breakfast, not really thinking he understood "eggs" and "breakfast", more likely the pointing that I was doing. But then he nodded enthusiastically. Of course I thought it was a total coincidence. So I asked him if he wanted cereal, and he made his "NO" sound.
Then I asked him again, not pointing to the egg carton this time, and he definitely nodded. After he finished eating I asked him if he was all done, and he nodded again! Three times in appropriate context, and I am convinced he has learned a new skill. Yay!!
When Jacob got home from school today there was a small note from his teacher in his backpack. She wrote that Jacob was mimicking words today. Repeatedly. Mouse, Jones, Yellow, Up, Jacob. I know that the words probably didn't sound like they would if you or I were to say them, but who cares?? Any effort in the way of language is a really, really big deal. Really big.
Of course he had no interest in copying anything I tried to get him to say, but stubborn is his middle name and I didn't expect him to give me a repeat performance. Jacob has his own ideas of who he wants to thrill and when. I have been waiting for all these years to hear his sweet little voice say something more, and I can wait for however long it takes him to show me what he can do.
Tonight as Jacob was getting ready for bed he willingly brushed his own teeth. This is always a big dramatic scene at bedtime, and I really didn't believe my eyes even as it was happening right in front of me. No toothpaste and not close to a dentist-worthy cleaning but, again, who cares?? This is PROGRESS!!
The good things really outweigh the bad today. I'll get over the poop incident eventually, even if it never really leaves my mind. And the expressive language/mimicking sounds is enough to keep my on a high for a good long time.
These emotional ups and downs all squished into one day really wears a mom out. I think I'm going to have happy dreams tonight.
Monday, September 22, 2008
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